All Is Not Lost

Prologue

Reader discretion is advised.

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"Ano?" a voice echoed in my ears. "Simula na 'yung program, hindi ka ba talaga manonood?"

Huminga ulit ako nang malalim para sana kumalma bago magsalita ngunit tuluyan na akong napaupo sa putikan. I started catching my breath and it was followed by my tears.

Hindi ako makahinga.

Hindi ako makahinga.

Nabitawan niya ang kaniyang hindi pa nasisindihan na sigarilyo at kaagad na lumuhod sa tapat ko nang makalapit sa akin. He held my face and tucked a few strands of my hair away.

"Okay ka lang? Ano'ng gagawin ko? Ano'ng nangyayari?" sunud-sunod at kinakabahang tanong niya. "Kalli..." tonong nanunuyong tawag niya.

It is not easy to let go.

It is not easy to move on and just find another one.

It is not easy.

Patuloy pa rin ako sa paghinga nang malalim. The crease on his forehead grew wider when I didn't respond. Dahan-dahan niyang inalis ang pagkakahawak ng kanang kamay sa akin at inabot ang backpack niya.

Gamit lamang ang isa niyang kamay ay nahanap niya ang kaniyang tubigan at binuksan iyon kaagad. Inilapit niya iyon sa akin at dahan-dahan din akong pinainom.

I held onto his tumbler hungrily. Hawak niya pa rin iyon bilang alalay, pero halos agawin ko na para lang makainom.

Suminghap ako pagkatapos makainom. Santana or as everyone calls him, Santi, hesitantly rubbed my back to hush me.

"Ayos ka na ba?" tanong niya nang ibalik ko ang tubigan niya sa kaniya at hinahapong lumipat ng upo sa isang sirang bangko roon kaysa manatili kami sa may putik.

My tears are slowly falling. Hindi kailan man tumigil. Kumalma ako nang kaunti dahil sa tubig, pero hindi pa rin natigil ang anxiety attack ko.

"Kalli, ano'ng gagawin ko?" sumunod siya kaagad sa akin at lumuhod ulit sa tapat ko upang maglebel ang mga mata namin.

"I-I," My heavy and shaky breaths are stopping me from speaking. "I don't know."

I'm having an anxiety attack and unlike before, I no longer have my service dog here. He died last week and I am still not over it.

My mom scolded me earlier today for not going home these past few days. Hindi ko matanggap. Hindi ko alam kung saan ako magsisimula. At lalong takot akong kumilos nang wala si Sanji. I had him when I was eight. We have always been together for twelve years. Naging service dog ko siya nang magsimula akong magkaroon ng panic at anxiety attacks. He was so patient when a professional was teaching him about it.

Naging okay ako nitong mga nakaraang taon dahil sa tulong niya, dahil nariyan siya para paalalahanan ako. Kaya ang tanong ko ngayon sa aking sarili ay: paano ako magsisimula?

I stayed beside his grave on the Pets' Cemetery since he was buried. Hindi ako umaalis doon kahit anong oras. Baka kung hindi ako kinaladkad ni Daddy kahapon pauwi, baka hindi ko na gugustuhing umuwi pa. My brother brings me food there, but I didn't come home to take a bath or even go to school. Stinky, but I didn't want to leave Sanji who's always been there for me.

I named him that because he liked my Vinsmoke Sanji plushie. I put him on my bed and he played with it. That was the first day we spent with each other and I can still remember it all. How he shone among other golden retrievers...

After a week of not attending school, pumasok na ulit ako. Hindi ko sigurado kung ano ang naging dahilan kung bakit ako nagkakaroon ng anxiety attack ngayon, pero isa lang ang sigurado ko, iyon ay ang wala si Sanji rito upang tulungan at gabayan ako.

"Ano'ng ginagawa mo kapag nagkakaroon ka ng anxiety attack? Kalli, please tell me," tanong ulit ni Santi. Hindi ko lang nahimigan basta ang takot sa tono niya, kitang-kita ko rin ang bakas ng pagkatakot sa mga mata niya.

Tahimik pa rin akong umiiyak at hinahaplos-haplos ang dibdib upang kumalma. Santi looks like he's about to cry, too, which is surprising, so I tried my very best to remember what my dog used to do.

Whenever I have anxiety attacks, he clings to me to bent me down. At pag-upo ko kung saan abot na niya ako, yayakapin niya ako. It was...

"DPT," I managed to say. I opened my mouth to explain it further to him, but he immediately scooped me to transfer me on the ground with bermudagrass, hindi roon sa may putikan kanina.

"I'm going to hug you from the back," parang paalam pa niya. Nasundan iyon ng yakap nga niya mula sa likod. "Like this? Tell me how to do it."

I'm not lying when I say that his hug helped me. Gulat man ako kung paano siya nagkaroon ng sapat na kaalaman tungkol sa tatlong letrang iyon, hindi na iyon ang inintindi ko.

Ipinulupot ko rin ang kamay ko sa aking katawan upang mas maging kumportable.

"Please, hug me tighter," nanginginig kong sabi.

I felt him scan me before sighing and really hugged me tighter. It would be too much for a normal person, but it is exactly what I needed. His large frame helped a lot. Ang kamay niya ay sa mga braso ko lang nakadikit at hindi sa kung ano mang parte pa ng katawan ko.

Yumuko ako at pumikit dahil sa dalawang rason. Una, kahihiyan ko na naman ito. Aside from my brother, he's the only one who's witnessed my anxiety attacks. Kahihiyan dahil ayaw kong may nakakakita sa akin sa ganitong estado. At pangalawa, ang init ng yakap niya. It is warm. Not cold, not overwhelmingly warm that it burns, just warm. Just right

The warmth I'm feeling right now is the same as the warmth I felt the first time he saw me breaking down years ago, the first time he hugged me to calm my heart. That was the moment I realized I need that kind of pressure to calm myself.

I hugged myself tighter as I let myself succumb to his hug. Unti-unti, dahil sa tulong niya, kumalma ako.