All Is Not Lost

Chapter 19

Posibilidad

"Okay, Kallista... congrats! You are three months pregnant! But there are things you should be..." Tila nabingi na ako nang sinabi ng doktor na tatlong buwan na akong buntis. I couldn't comprehend the things she told me not to do and the things I should do. Ganoon din sa mga pagkain at mga mangyayari o mararamdaman ko sa mga susunod na buwan.

"Is there anyone you want to call? Boyfriend? Husband?" Nagagalak niyang tanong.

"My boyfriend's at work," mahina kong sagot.

Pinagsiklop niya ang kaniyang mga kamay. "Well then, best friend?"

I smiled a little and touched my belly. "My boyfriend is my best friend."

Punong-puno ang isip ko ng kung ano-ano pero hindi ko rin naman matukoy kung ano nga ba ang ikinakatakot ko.

I'm not aware of how I ended up in my unit but I feel like I woke up from a deep slumber when I saw Santi pacing back and forth with a phone in his hand positioned by his ear.

Lumingon siya sa gawi ko nang marinig ang pinto. He rushed to me but I quickly moved to the bedroom to settle my things.

"Where were you?! Kalli, ni hindi ka man lang nagsabi kung saan ka pupunta. I was so worried!"

"Bakit ka nandito? Hindi ba't may trabaho ka pa?" tanong ko pabalik sa kaniya.

Natahimik siya kaya nagsalita ulit ako. "E di pareho lang tayong hindi sumunod sa isa't isa." I rolled my eyes and started changing my clothes.

Hindi siya ulit nakaimik. He watched me change my clothes and stared at me when I lay on the bed.

Humarap ako sa kabilang gawi ko para hindi siya makita. Kalaunan ay tumunog ang pinto ng kuwarto kaya naisip kong lumabas na siya. That's when my tears started falling. Tahimik akong humihikbi habang hinahaplos nang marahan ang tiyan.

I'm not ready to be a mother.

Not at all.

I'm scared to fail in parenting... like how my parents failed.

I stiffened when I felt the bed move. Lumingon ako sa kabilang gawi at nakita si Santi na tumabi sa akin sa kama. I thought he went out!

He had already removed his coat, dress shirt, and slacks. He's now topless and only left with his boxer shorts.

Ayaw pa magbihis pero alam na ayaw kong natutulog o humihiga kami sa kama nang suot ang maduming damit.

"Love, I'm sorry na... please don't cry..." He wrapped his arms around me and pulled me closer. Marahan niyang hinahaplos ang buhok ko at ang labi niya ay tumatama sa aking noo.

Lalo lang akong umiyak. I should've expected this to happen, but I didn't think it could actually happen.

"Santi..."

"Hmm?"

"You need to work more," my voice came out hoarse when I said that.

"Hmm? Why?" Tiningnan niya ako sa mga mata nang may naguguluhang tingin.

I avoided his gaze and buried my face in his chest. Huminga ako nang malalim at niyakap siya lalo.

"I-I'm... pregnant." Lalong lumakas ang pag-iyak ko. I clutched his back while he was caressing my back.

"I don't know what to do. I'm not ready to be a mother yet. What if I fail? What if I hurt my child, too?"

I sighed and hugged her more. Punong-puno rin ang utak ko pero sigurado ako sa isang bagay.