What Could Have Been

Love

I could be a very toxic person, I don't like to admit that often because a lot of people look at me like I'm some kind of a bitch who is full of cockiness but that's not true. I mean I could be a bitch but I'm not confident, I actually hate the way I look and the way my body looks but no one knows that about me.
Everyone just thinks my appearance is perfect, I know a lot of girls who is jealous of how I appear but truth be told, these girls are the most beautiful I've ever seen so explain to me why are they jealous of me when I should be jealous of them?

I don't think jealousy is healthy, but sometimes it makes you want to improve yourself but in a wrong kind of way, I love to be the center of attention because my parents don't even care for my existence.
So when someone looks at me, I can see it in their eyes that they're studying the way I look, the way I walk, the way I dress and the way I talk because the next day I see them being as similar as me as possible and honestly even though it's annoying, I like that boost of confidence every once and a while.

" Love!!!" Says mom
" what?" I yelled out
" I need you to go to the store and go get me some cigarettes"
" how many packs?" I said as I groan
" bring me 5 packs, after this I promise that I'll quit"
I heard that line way too many times before, she won't quit, it just something she use to say to keep me hopeful and I learned not to trust anything she says.
As I got ready and went downstairs to go out of the door, my dad walks in shitfaced as fuck.
" where are you going?" As he slurred his speech
" to go get mom some cigarettes" I say looking at him
he just smirks and walked in fully as I left out the door.
I'm walking down to the bus stop, I wish I had my own car but I don't, I can't really afford it. When I'm waiting for the bus I tend to play music into my headphones, as I'm doing that I look up and see this guy, he looks like he's rich, he looks really nice and I can't get my eyes off him. He quickly noticed that I was staring at him and looked up but I turned away and continued to listen to my music as he walked away. He looked as If he was tired of this world, it's just something about his eyes that says he's in pain.
Finally, the bus arrived I hopped on it still thinking and picturing his eyes in my head. Am I insane to think of someone that I just looked at?
I got to the store and I went in, I've always came here to buy cigarettes for my mom so the register person knows me really well.
" Hey Love, the same order?" He says jokingly.
" Yes you know me" as I said sarcastically
He gives me the cigarettes for free today, which was really sweet. While I'm walking to the bus stop, I see this old man looking at me and making kissy faces and I find that so gross, us women in this shitty world has to go through the most fucked up shit ever and it's really getting old. The bus finally came, I got on.
Back home, I noticed that the door was open and I seen my dad on the floor trying to crawl out the door with a drink in his hand, laughing.
"What are you doing dude?" I say angrily
"What are you doing dude " he says mocking me while laughing
"Get your ass up and go back into the house" I yell
"Fine mom" he says sarcastically still laughing.
He gets up while stumbling and walks fully back into the house and lie down on the couch. I have to parent my parents, isn't that just fucked up?
I walked to my moms room and hand her the five packs.
"Thank you Love"
I noticed she's shooting up and I give her a look
"Mind your business, I do what I want" she says quietly.
"Yeah how about next time you get your ass up and go down to the store" I say walking out her room.
This depresses me, I wanted parents who are there for me, who loves me and who makes me feel safe. It's sad to say that I will never have those kind of parents, this will be my hell loop.