What Could Have Been

Love

There are always dangerous thoughts going through my head like what if I jump off this ledge? I ask myself questions like this every single day, every minute, every second because truth is I do want to die but I'm too scared to do anything about it because I guess you can say I'm just too weak to go through with such a beautiful tragic thing like that.
You must think I'm some kind of suicidal person who just blames the world about everything that's happening to me, no I blame myself, my parents, people. I know I have some selfish ways in my life that lead me to bad karma, and lucky for me I can admit it to myself. I'm a coward and I take full responsibility of who I present myself to be.

I still can't get that man eyes out of my head nor his face, he was so beautiful to me and his eyes spoke mysterious to me and I like a mystery. I wish I could see him one more time but I probably won't, I'm just here wondering what it would be like if I could talk to him, to hear his voice. What am I doing? Thinking about someone I just seen and never talked to in my life? He wouldn't like me anyways because I'm broke with shitty parents and he's probably all perfect, with money and nice parents. I called my moms dealer to bring me some weed, this is the first time I'm going to smoke, I never did it in my life and lucky for me, my moms dealer likes me enough to let me get it for free. I meet up with him and I'm really nervous.
"Hey how are you?" He says
"I'm okay, what about yourself?" I say with a forced smile
"I'm alright too, I have this marijuana that's mixed with LSD and I love the way it makes me feel, others do as well. Do you want to try it?"
"Sure. "
"Alright, here you go. " he says as he gives it to me.
" thank you so much, please don't mention anything to my mom" I say with a look on my face
" don't worry about that, I got you. Have a good day now." He says as he walks away.
I take the lighter out of my jacket and I lit the blunt, I'm pretty afraid to do this because I don't want to get hooked on it, but it's too late now I'm smoking it.
After 30 minutes of smoking this blunt that's almost finished I start to feel a weird feeling, a euphoric empty feeling that makes the world, my dark thoughts all go away just for a moment and I've longed for this feeling my entire life and I never want to get out of it, I want to feel like this every day. I'm walking down the street, and I see colors pop out brighter than ever and I'm just amazed how beautiful life can be. I see the image of the guy that I seen, he stands tall, beautiful, mysterious eyes looking at me, telling me to follow him down this long road, I follow and then I fall down. He helps me, picks me up and asks me if I'm okay and all I can do is just stare at him, and the world comes crashing back and I realize it's an old man holding me asking me if I was okay and I totally panicked, got up and started to run. I was running but everything in my mind was going in slow motion, I felt as if I'm in a movie. To hallucinate a person that I don't know is dangerous because that means I just fell in love with the sight of that man and they call that love at first sight. Am I really in that deep? I need to see him again, all of a sudden I collapsed and blacked out.

I started to wake up and I see him. This time I think I'm pretty sure it was actually him. He lifts me up and asks me
"Are you okay?" He says in a worried tone
"I'm okay, I'm okay" I say tiredly
"Are you the girl I seen at the bus stop?"
"I am, is this real?" I say
"This is real" he says laughing
He picked me up and gave me some water, I love his voice, I wouldn't mind always waking up to his voice and his face for the rest of my life.
" thank you" I say as the effects came down
" no problem, do you want a drive home?" He says with a smile
" I do" I would of said no but I'm still a little bit to out of it.
I get in the car.