What Could Have Been

Love

We got back to our room, today was so fun and we decided that tomorrow we're going to fly back home. I needed a break from my abusive mother, I'm happy that I got that break. When I go back home, I know I would be depressed but at least I have Blossom now and my man Joe. I started taking off my makeup, putting my hair down, took off my clothes and went into the the shower. I'm always thinking about what would I be in my future, who would I be? Honestly there's so much things that I want to do. There's so much more places to visit and I know if I'm focused, if I believe in myself, I can make it.
"Love, I'm going to go get some wings. Do you want any?" Blossom says
"Yes please, I'll just get Buffalo wings." I yelled.
"Alright, I'll be back" she says as she shuts the door.
I got out of the shower, dried myself and my hair.
I start to clean up a little in the room before I put my clothes on. I picked out a plain t shirt with some joggers and put my hair into a ponytail. I'm going to just lay down on the sofa and just started to read a book on my phone, it's called the me in you. This book is really sweet, it's romantic but also about things you can learn about yourself. It is a really nice book that makes my heart melt. I read a couple of chapters, put the book down and took out my phone. I contemplated to message Joe, but I wanna surprise him for tomorrow and give him a rest from me.
Blossom came back with some wings and fries and I'm ready to eat.
"Here we go girl" she says as she closes the door
"I'm ready to eat" I say with a smile
We put on Michael Myers and began to eat the wings while we talk
"So tomorrow we're going back home, are you excited?" She says
"I am a little bit. I'm just so happy we are rebuilding our relationship." I say
"Same, it's been really fun with you babe" she says
"Why just a little bit though? Because of your mom?"
"Yeah I just know I'm going to have to deal with my mom's bullshit." I say with a smirk
"You got this, you are so strong baby. I believe in you and I'm here for you" she says. We finished our food and the movie. I'm ready to go to sleep honestly I'm so tired. I went into the bed.
"I'm going to sleep girl"
"Same here" Blossom says as she turns off the lights and we went to sleep.
...
It's the morning and it's time for us to get ready to go to our flight. India was beautiful, breathtaking, peaceful and I loved being here to get my mind off of the things I needed to stop thinking about. I've always wanted to travel somewhere to just finally breathe and I've been to India with my best friend Blossom.
I started to just put my hair in a ponytail, put on mascara and some lipgloss. I put on a white t shirt with some gray joggers, nothing to fancy. I'm ready to go home though to see Joe, I'm so excited to see him.
As Blossom is driving, I get a call from my asshole mother
"Love, You need to get your ass back home. Who told you, you can leave? " she says
"I'm coming home now actually. And I get to live my life." I said
"Not when you're in my house bitch. I got something for you when you come home." She says hanging up.
Im really scared of my mother because she does anything to me no matter what and she doesn't give a fuck. She probably would kill me if she wanted too. You may ask what's my reason of not moving out, first i don't have a job, and no where to live. I wouldn't want to crash on anyones couch or bed. I want to have my own place and plus, I worry about my mother and yes I still love her even if she does all this madness to me.
"That was your mother right" says Blossom
"Yes so annoying." I say
"Girl you literally need to leave her ass"
"I can't do that to her, no matter what." I say
"You're too sweet and that's what's going to get you taken advantage of" she says.
I know Blossom is right but it's so hard to just let her go that way. She is still my mother.
We finally arrived to the airport, we get our things out and we just started to head towards the line for them to check our luggage and get on the plane. As we are waiting, I started thinking about maybe coming to live in India one day. I didn't wanna leave and of course because of the scenery, the peace, the things you can do but also because I didn't want to see my awful mother. I didn't want to go back to that hell dump but I know it's worth going back because of Joe. Joe is someone that I never want to give up on, he's someone that is special.
......
We finally arrived to the airport in our hometown. I am very nervous to go home but I know I have to hold myself up. I know that I'm a strong person with a lot of special things about me even if I don't believe it yet, I know that I am golden. We get in the cab with our suitcases and the driver took Blossom to her house
"Be safe babe. I'll call you soon. I'm going to Chicago for a little bit with family." Says Blossom
"Okay baby. I hope you have a fun trip. Talk to you soon". I said while the driver drives off.
This is going to be hell. After 30 minutes of driving, we finally arrived to my house and the driver helped take my suitcases to the front door and I gave him a 20 dollar tip because that was so generous of him. I put the keys into the door and walked in with my suitcases and closed the door behind me.
"Did I tell you you could leave?" She says
"Too tired to fight with you right now" I say
"I don't give a fuck what you are. You are going to listen to me good. You think you're the shit? Going out of town without my say so? Seeing a guy that most likely don't want you? What the fuck? You think you're beautiful? Let alone smart? You got another thing coming bitch." She yells
"Then what are you? You aren't even a fucking mother." I yelled back. She pushed me hard against the wall, taking her hand and started to choke me
"You think I wouldn't end your life right now? Who do you think you are talking to me like that? I can take you out of this world. Don't make me" she yells in my face. I try to fight her off warning her to stop because i was losing air then she finally let's go.
" what is your problem?" I yelled while crying
"Go to your fucking room now" she says
"Happily." I said going up to my room and slamming the door.
I am so done with this shit. Im tired of always being abused by my mother. I don't want to live, I want to get out of here. Maybe death is something that I was meant for? It just makes me feel like maybe I should be dead. I searched my drawers for my big blade and I found it. I started to slit my wrists as I'm doing that, there's this sudden release, like all of my problems disappeared for a second. I was starting to lose so much blood and my vision kept going in and out. I just remember hearing
"Bitch what do you think you're doing? You're not getting away this fast" she says yelling. I remember hearing her run for the first aid kit. She started to put alcohol all over my arm, she had gauze and tried to stop the bleeding a little bit. She then got the stitches out and started to stitch my cut on my arm then I just remember everything went black.
...
I woke up to my mother screaming calling me out of my name, she knows how to do stitches so she started to stitch my arm up. I am really annoyed that she saved me because who wanna live in this hell hole? but then my mind goes back to thinking about Joe and how if I did die from this, he probably would never know or he would know and be so heartbroken about it. After the stitches, she wrapped my arm up and told me to get up and so I did. She started to kick me in my stomach making me fall back down and she says
"Don't you ever do that fuck shit again" she kicks again
"You hear me!?"
"Yes I hear you" I said crying.
"Good" she says as she's walking away downstairs.
no one gets how painful this is. My phone rings it's from a random number but I picked it up.
"Hey? Love?" Says my dad
"Oh hey dad" I say
"Hey baby, how are you?"
"I'm fine how's everything going?"
"It's going good. Actually I'm calling to see if you could come visit me tomorrow?" He says excited
"Of course. Tell me the address and I'll write it down"
"Okay so it's 4442 n grove st" he says
"Got it, can't wait to see you" I say
"Come around 1 pm, bye."
"Bye dad".
I honestly can't wait to see my father but I'm also nervous, because what if he gets out and he relapse? And it's the same as before. I need a stable parent right now so I'm putting my trust in him. I can't wait to talk to him tomorrow. I need to call Joe and let him know I'm home but he can't see me like this, not yet anyways. I pick up my phone and sent a text
"I'm home. I miss you so much. But I won't be able to see you not for a few days at least. But tomorrow I'm going to visit my dad in rehab." I sent
"Welcome Back Home Baby, I'm so happy you're here now. I hope everything is okay with you. We'll talk more when you come and see me. Let me know how it goes with your father. Have a goodnight beautiful." Joe replies.
I held my phone up to my chest because even if we're texting, the thought of just him makes me feel safe. Like I'm at home.