Unholy ✔️

XLVII. Back

"...and secretly I hoped that
we all deserved to be
looked at that way,
Like nothing else in the
world matters."

Beau Taplin

•••••

BACK

•••••

Their eyes were all fixed at Haru while playing with Ahni in the living room area. They were silent for some time now and they didn't know how to start a conversation.

Finally, after observing Jin and Yoongi, and realizing that they were still awkward with each other, Hoseok decided to speak, "How are you Jin? We are so worried about you. We tried looking for you but we have no idea where you possibly went. But we're happy you're here now."

Jin smiled and looked at his fingers before making eye contact with Hoseok. "I'm fine. I'm still going to a therapist once a month. I'm sorry, it took a long while. There were times when I don't feel like going to a therapist and times when I was so eager. I waited and made sure I am on the right track before going back. I'm sorry for making you all worried. I cannot blame you if you're angry at me."

"Who will not?"

Hoseok's eyes widened at Yoongi's answer. "Yoongi?!"

"No, he should know. You left us, leaving us clueless. Telling me not to look for you. How can I possibly do that? No one in the right mind won't look for a family member who just went missing. I cannot sleep most of the nights wondering if you're still alive--"

"That's why I left," Jin smiled at Yoongi. His eyes glistened as he spoke, "Please don't get me wrong. I am not blaming anyone. I knew it's me because I refused to get help. I refused to get treated. I refused to admit that there was something wrong with me and all I know, it was just a normal feeling of sadness and anger.

That time was my lowest of lows. Those were the times when I felt I was enclosed in a room with a one-way mirror where everyone was watching me and waiting for my next move. Like I was being watched all the time thinking if I would kill myself again or would do something crazy.

Everyone was so focused on me that you were all forgetting that you have your lives to focus on too. I thought it was so selfish of me to just let it go on. Because the more I want people to leave me alone, the more people stay and watch me. I wanted to find a doctor on my own but I had that paranoid thoughts that the doctor would only tell everything we've talked about and I would end up making you all worried. I know you guys mean well. And I want to apologize because I took your love and concern as a gesture that was suffocating. All I wanted was time, alone, for myself.

When Taehyung made me realize that I destroyed a family, that I hurt his loved ones, both indirectly, it crushed me. To add more to that, I was pregnant for him. The burdens I was giving to everyone had been piling up. I want to stop being a burden but all I was doing was to add more. I was so scared to let you all know. That's how I feel, scared, choked, like I was in an open-air prison.

That time, all I had in my head was to send her for adoption. It felt like committing a crime and hiding the evidence. It was so hard. I wanted help but I don't want to end up as a burden. I was derailed. I thought I was going to die that night. But I survived. The baby survived. So I thought, it was telling me something. So I went to a place where I was sure none of you knows. To a place where no one knows me. To a place where no one would judge me. To a place where no one would watch me, or at least, no one cares about what I think, or what I will do.

I'm sorry. I know you will not understand. I know all my reasonings were non-sense. Perhaps, selfish, illogical, ridiculous. I know they weren't enough, my apologies, my explanation. I am not blaming anyone because that's unfair to everyone who really cares for me. But at the same time, I felt guilty because I know, somehow, you're all thinking you did not do your best for me. Well, that's not the case. You're all doing everything for me but I refused to acknowledge that. And I'm sorry for that. I left because I was scared. Because I was unsure. Because I was a burden. That's the truth. That's how I feel during those times.

It's been more than a year since I am continuously meeting with my doctor with no hesitations. It's been a year since I stopped doubting myself, or what I can do, or what I am capable of doing to make myself a better version. It's been a year since I started to heal, to focus on my well-being, and to care more of Haru. My doctor told me I am better. And indeed, I feel a lot better. I know that my way of thinking is way better now. I told my doctor that I think I am ready. That's why I'm here.

I'm sorry. I'm sorry for making you all worried. My intention of not making you worried about me made you worried more. I'm sorry. I am truly sorry for everything."

Yoongi sighed after absorbing what Jin said. He then stood up and hugged Jin, kissing him on the forehead as Jin rested his head on Yoongi's shoulder. "I wish I was there to watch you heal. But I'm grateful that you made it. You're right, maybe we don't understand what you're going through. I thought just being there was enough. I thought our assurance was enough. And I'm sorry if I made you feel like you were being choked. But I want you to know that I do love you and I'm happy that you're back. Please, Jin, just please stay with us now."

Jin smiled hearing Yoongi's words. He felt relieved that Yoongi said those comforting words to him. Though he knew Yoongi won't stay angry, he got the peace of mind hearing it straight from the man who is like a brother to him.

"Six years is so long. We tried to look for you. I'm sorry but the thought of you taking your life again was there all the time. I was desperate on why I cannot do anything more but to wait. And during that wait, I'm afraid you would get rid of the baby."

Jin's eyes widened in surprise. He didn't know Yoongi was aware of his pregnancy. "You... Y-you know?"

Yoongi shook his head. "I found the result on your father's tomb. You left it there the night you tried. I went back there when you went missing and found the paper there. But since it rained the night before, the paper was so wet I had trouble reading the contents. The only clear letters were the words pregnancy, result, and some medical terms I am not familiar with. Perhaps, it was a coincidence just to give me a better view of why you left. So I already had the idea that you might be pregnant that's why you went into hiding. Though I'm not sure before, well, now..." Yoongi looked behind him hearing Haru giggling while watching cartoons with Ahni.

Jin became more worried. Though he had been worried for so long, he knew, even though it's too late, going back for the truth is the only way that would give him the peace of mind he was longing for. He was now ready to face the consequences, whatever it is.

"Did you tell him?" Jin asked, referring to Taehyung and without hesitation, Yoongi nods. Jin closed his eyes. Breathing in and out trying to stay calm. When he felt a hand touch his arm, he opened his eyes and it was Hoseok giving him a reassuring smile.

"I told him there's a probability that you're carrying a child, and he is the father. There's no reason for me not to say it because I don't want him to go through what I went through with Ahni. I showed him the result but we could not verify since the name of the clinic wasn't readable anymore. He was worried, that's all I can say if you will ask if he got mad or anything. But he kept on asking for any updates about you."

"Updates about his child, not me."

Yoongi breathed out. "Jin--"

"I already moved on. Of course, he wanted to know the truth. That's why I'm here." Jin smiled and it somehow appeased Yoongi. "Can you do me a favor?"

Yoongi, though hesitant, nodded.

"I want to tell the truth myself."

Yoongi stared for a moment before nodding. He understood. And besides, it was Jin's responsibility to tell the truth. It should come from Jin.