Unholy ✔️

XLVI. Unholy

We all make mistakes,
have struggles,
and even regret things in our past.
But you are not your mistakes,
you are not your struggles,
and you are here NOW
with the power to shape your day
and your future.

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UNHOLY

••••

Seokjin

Sinner.

That's who I was.

Part of me wanted to go away from my past. I wish it's that easy. But my past shaped me into who I am today. My past doesn't define my present or my future. It sure affects who I am now but it doesn't mean I am still my past.

People were so quick to judge without fully understanding what I went through. I was diagnosed with a personality disorder. I had traumatic experiences. The loss of my father, sexual abuse by my stepfather, neglect by my mother, and my discovery of my best friend's secret.

It was true that I tried to seek love from others. But my standard of love was always my father's love which I guess made it more difficult for me. Because I was used to how my father expressed his love and attention to me, I always misunderstood other's compliments as love. I thought people were all sincere. But in the end, they would leave me broken and alone.

When my stepfather abused me and my mother sided with him, I felt neglected and unloved. Thus, hate developed in my heart. I felt nobody would ever be real to me. For me, when you only appreciate my beauty, you only wanted something from me. I considered compliments as bait. I developed that defense mechanism of shutting people down. Those extremely paranoid thoughts kept running and damaging my head and my relationship with others.

People like me are into the extreme. Extreme hate. Or extreme adoration.

When I learned about Yoongi's ordeal, extreme anger developed. My plan of revenge was a selfish thought. I was impulsive back then. I had unstable thoughts. I was overly protective of the people I love and who truly loves me. It was selfish because never I weigh up the possible consequences of my actions.

The man I planned to use for my revenge was the same man I fell in love with. It wasn't intentional. I didn't expect it as well. But truly, heart had other ways to turn one's anger into love. Perhaps, he was the first who appreciated my action rather than what he saw outside. There, extreme adoration grew.

I was aware he didn't feel the same. I knew in my heart that my feelings would never be reciprocated. He was married and with children. But my condition made everything worse. I gave my all. I engaged in sex. Unprotected and I didn't care.

When I learned of my pregnancy, I felt confident. I thought it was the answer to what I was longing for. Love and attention. I thought it would save me from getting deserted. But seeing the person I loved getting burdened by our forbidden relationship, that alone, what more if he'll learn about me carrying his child?

I thought my pregnancy was enough to hold him in my hands, but it hurts me more. I sacrificed to be hated by him than him committing more mistakes with me. I guess out of all the decisions I made, that was the only right one. Love; I thought it wasn't real but I guess that's what I felt right at that moment. And that's when I realized, I am capable of loving.

I refused to get treated. I wanted to dwell on my feelings. I thought I was brave. I have never shown emotions or weakness. I never acknowledge that deep inside, I was very fragile. I was mentally and emotionally frail. I ended up wanting to end everything.