Unholy ✔️

XLVIII. Finding Joy

Find a place inside
where there's joy.
And the joy will burn out
the pain

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FINDING JOY

•••••

Taehyung

Six years ago, I felt as though my heart betrayed me. I was married but was in an extra-marital affair. Questions began to build in my head, why did I get married? Am I truly happy?

When I and Jimin talked before getting a divorce, promising to speak our minds and hearts with no apprehensions, our questions were answered. When we asked ourselves, why did we get married? Our answer was the same, our parents demanded us because I got him pregnant.

But, are we really in love? I am positive we were. We were both young then. That feeling of intense excitement between each other was there. But intense excitement wasn't a justifiable reason to get married. More so, since our parents demanded us to get married at a very young age, it was easier to say that we weren't ready yet.

The second question was, were we happily married? Again, yes. But gradually, that happiness left our marriage without noticing it. The spark wasn't there anymore. The only one present was familiarity. I would arrive home from work, he would arrive home from shopping, eat dinner with family, watch a movie before we sleep, the sexual contact decreases, or perhaps, just because we need it. I would go to work the next day and the cycle continues. It more felt of a routine, communication was lost, it didn't excite us anymore.

We considered fixing everything. We did take into consideration the feelings of our children and the people that might get affected by our decision. The admissions took a big chunk of worry inside our hearts. But it wasn't enough to continue what we have. Perhaps, we weren't ready to forgive ourselves and each other yet. And we agreed that we should get a divorce and let fate do its works for us.

A few weeks ago, I learned that Jin was back in town. With a child in tow. I became anxious knowing the child was the baby Yoongi was referring to six years ago. Ahni sent me a picture of her. And I found myself crying in my room. I felt empty once more.

I remembered what Yoongi told me when we finally met for the first time to talk about Ahni. He told me the emptiness he felt knowing Ahni didn't know him. That desperation in his heart wanting Ahni to at least recognize him. The anger he felt because he was a coward. Because he was putting Ahni's feelings first before his. Those, and more, were exactly what I felt when I learned about my child.

Jin. I found myself thinking and dreaming about him even if Jimin was beside me. That feeling whenever we talk or text, even if it was about work, excites me but would later be followed by anxiety because I was married. Those moments when I was unconsciously smiling whenever I think of him. Half of my day was filled with unnecessary thoughts of him. That's when I realized, I was already emotionally cheating.

It escalated into something more intimate. I felt protective of him. Feeling jealous that someone might divide his attention. I felt so proud whenever he was on my side. I questioned myself, was it love, or was it simply a spurt of bodily lust?

Whenever we connect our eyes, I was always captivated. His presence gave me more joy and I was looking for more time to spend with him. I was excited to show him what I could do. Simple things that used to make me feel alive were making me feel alive once more.

And whenever we were together, I realized what was I craving for. He made me feel needed and wanted. And the more I tried to let go of him, I was always coming back. I wanted to give more. Or perhaps, I needed to give more. Yes, I fell in love with him.