Please Don't Leave [n.h] // AU

10

!tw: self-harm! Mentioned after *

Nerves were taking over my body. I was sitting on my bed with Ashton's notebook, diary, whatever you want to call it in front of me for over ten minutes.

I was scared.

This belonged to Ashton. This was probably very important to him hence he never mentioned it to me nor his parents. Otherwise, they would have never left it behind for strangers to find it.

I took a deep breath and turned the hard cover around.

This notebook belongs to Ashton Green. If ur not him then fuck off and stop sneaking through my stuff. Thank you.

Yep, this is definitely Ashton's.

Am I actually gonna read this? It seems like this is or was very personal to him. I don't want to invade his privacy like that.

Just read it Harper. It's not like he's gonna find out. He's dead.

With that last thought in my mind, I turned the page. I was surprised to see it fully written.

Dear diary

Fuck I feel like an 8-year-old girl.

No, I need to do this.

So, I started feeling kinda shitty these past weeks and googled some stuff on what I could do and writing it down came up a few times, so I guess I can try that.

It all started with a fight I had with Harper. She's my girlfriend. That's right my girlfriend. I'm really lucky to have her. She's one of the few people that doesn't hate me which is nice. And she's also super hot which is also awesome. Her brother is my best friend. He's a good guy and takes care of her. Better than I do. As I mentioned before not many people like me, not even my parents. I don't know why but sometime when I was younger, they decided I wasn't enough. I don't think I disagree with them tbh.

Holy fucking shit. How did I not know this? Why did I not know this? Did he really think that low about himself? He always came off so confident. And his parents were always so nice to me. I never noticed. God, this is making me so confused and sad and I've been reading for about ten seconds.

I took a deep breath and started reading again.

Then there's the people at school that also hate me. They started calling me some names a few months ago but River beat them up, so they don't do that anymore. Well, when he's around they don't do that anymore. I just hope they'll never touch me or beat me up like you read in books or see in movies all the time.

Like I said, River really is my best friend. We met at school. Then I started hanging around in his house more often and I met his sister and her best friend, Harper, and Amelia. They are nice people too.

I hate this. I feel like I never knew him. There's so much he didn't tell me. I didn't even know about the bullies. Did he not trust me? I thought he was so happy.

*

I made the biggest mistake of my life yesterday. I hit Harper, my beautiful, sweet, loving, perfect Harper. I'll never forgive myself. How could I ever do this to her? And the look she gave me afterwards was something I knew was going to haunt me for the rest of my life. She looked so scared. Scared of me. I did that to her. I don't want that. I've never wanted that. Why do I keep fucking everything up? I know for a fact that she's going to leave me for what I did, but I don't blame her. I deserve it. River will eventually find out, same as Amelia, and I'll be alone again. Maybe that's for the best. That way I can't hurt them anymore. When I came home last night after I did what I did, I tried something. Something to take the pain away. But it didn't work. I only felt worse. I self-harmed. I now had a deep cut on my wrist, and I already know it will become a scar. It's going to remind me of what I did for the rest of my life. You might consider it punishment. I sure as hell do. I have to leave know. I'm supposed to be sleeping and I hear my dad coming up the stairs. I might write in you again tho. I do kinda feel better.