Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

IV

TW: mentions of physical abuse 

I have been settling back into my life in Finland for a while now. I started to look for my own flat, as I didn't want to be too much of a trouble for Alice. My life had finally slowed down for a while and I couldn't be more thankful for that. I never liked having too many things going on at the same time as it gave me a bad headspace and made me too stressed. I was a writer, I worked in peace and alone and when there was too much going on, I couldn't concentrate.

As for right now, I was trying to finish up an article for a film magazine that I sometimes wrote for, but Alice had decided to nag me about everything even though she knew that one thing she shouldn't ask was my last relationship. We had an accident the other day after Alice broke a glass and I went completely still and tried to make myself as small as possible. I hated what that man has done to me, but I have talked about my relationship with him with so many specialists and cops, that I didn't have any strength to talk about it quite yet and Alice respected that.

Alice also noticed that I wasn't really keen on physical touch. I never really have been, as I found it weird and it made me quite uncomfortable. I didn't even hug my family that much, let alone friends and some past lovers. But since my toxic ex, it has gotten worse.

Alice notices a lot of things about me and it sometimes pisses me off. I was the writer, I was supposed to be the observer, but when I was around her, it felt as if she could see straight out of me.

I put my laptop on sleep mode and turned to Alice just as she was telling me that Joonas, Niko, and his girlfriend, and Joel would be coming over for dinner.

"Do you ever have like a peace here?" I asked my friend and got up to join her on the mattress that was still on the floor. I was thinking about buying a bed frame, but at the same time, I didn't see any need to buy one as I would probably be moving out soon.

"Never! And I blame you, if it wasn't for you I wouldn't have met these people. Actually, sorry, I don't blame you, I do like those people.''

Alice was an only child, I actually considered myself also an only child as my parents had my brother when I was 19. So I knew that she was lonely and making friends and having them around meant a lot to her.

"Okay, and what do you plan on making then?" I turned to my side, leaning my head on my hand.

"Well, actually I was thinking we could have like a little DIY pizza night. It would be fun, it would be a hell of a mess, but it's worth it, don't you think?" Alice was speaking a little too fast and a little bit too excitedly, "Also, I think it would be a great opportunity for you and Joel to have some bonding time..." Alice trailed off a bit the last bit of the sentence.

"I know you mean well, but you also know that there is too much to unpack there and I don't think I'm ready for that, not yet at least.''

"He knows, just so you know. It kind of slipped out of my mouth one time, but I told him to not mention it ever" Alice admitted, "But you should have seen his face and his whole body language. It was like he was ready to leave straight away and rip the man's head off. He still cares a lot and I like to believe that he actually still loves you," the girl looked at me with a soft expression and gave me a small smile.

"I don't blame you for telling him. I just don't want anyone's pity, because I feel like a poster girl now. It feels like my abuser has become the only personality trait that everyone sees. My parents, my friends, even you. I hate it because I am still me and that motherfucker is not going to change that" I was getting really frustrated about how everyone treated me like I'm going to break at any moment, but for the past year it has been my reality and I have learned to accept that I can't change the past.