Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

III

I walked through the living room, where I saw some more people passed out on the sofa. I needed to have a smoke, so I headed for the balcony. I grabbed someone's cigarettes and lighter from the counter that separates the kitchen from the living room,  and went outside. I missed this life, all the parties, all the people, but my job was so important to me, and even more now as I was recognized as a screenwriter. For god sake, I won an Oscar for my script and that still seemed so surreal. And now I was standing on the balcony with a cigarette between my fingers and thinking, how weird it all felt. For a while, I wasn't sure what to do and how to deal with all of this attention. I felt too much pressure from everyone, I felt like my next movie should be even better, but I had no new ideas, I felt so worthless because of the events of my unhappy relationship.

I was so deep in thoughts that I didn't notice a presence next to me, I looked up and saw Joel lighting up his cigarette. Even if I was fairly tall for a woman, I still felt so short next to him, but I never felt small or incapable next to him, compared to how my ex made me feel. Joel was short-tempered and impatient, but he never once made me feel like I'm worthless, if anything he made me feel wanted and loved.

"What's on your mind?" Joel's voice pulled me out of my thoughts, "You have been staring for a while now." He smiled smugly.

"I was just thinking how nice it is to be back. How much my life has changed, and I assume yours too."

"You have no idea." Joel exhaled the smoke, "I feel like everyone wants a piece of me and the boys. I mean, this is what I always wanted, but it has become all too overwhelming," Joel answered honestly. I knew that it probably wasn't the easiest thing for him to say, we haven't spoken to each other in 2 years, also knowing how our relationship ended, I believed that it was hard for him to admit that. I think the hardest part for Joel and his newfound fame was that he was wearing his heart on his sleeve, even if he wanted for everyone to think he was a true rockstar, I knew he was a caring soul that just wanted to make others happy. He has always been unapologetically himself with all of his ups and downs.

"But you deserve it. I truly mean that I have been following everything you have done and every time my heart swells with pride."

"You are the one talking. I have never been more proud of anyone else as I was on the Oscars night, I think I woke up the whole apartment block when they announced your win," Joel smiled at me, "And to top that all off you were in the same room with Trent-fucking-Reznor," Joel was having a little fanboy moment and I couldn't help but laugh at his enthusiasm.

"Don't even mention that, I was trying so hard to keep my cool around all those famous people, it was just so surreal" we both were huge Nine Inch Nails fans. We even sometimes laughed how the song I will walk down the aisle would be "Closer". In my defense, I always thought the song was the greatest love song. But that's all it was, just a stupid pillow talk. We often talked about the future and what we imagined our lives would be like.

"Now you're making me jealous," Joel pouted after he put out his cigarette "I think we should head back, you're starting to shiver too much."

It wasn't even that cold as it was still August, but I think I was shivering partly because I was in his presence and it never made sense to me how I fell in love with this man, let alone the things he made me feel.

"Should we make some breakfast for them or should we just order something?" I asked Joel, as I went to the kitchen area to make myself and Joel a coffee, I didn't even have to ask to know that we both needed coffee.

"We could order something, I think we need some proper hangover food," Joel said and already was on his phone, looking for the food to order. This whole situation felt so right like we have never been apart and it broke my heart because I saw in Joel's eyes that he wanted to say so much more, but he knew now wasn't the time.