Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XIV

TW: mentions psychological and physical abuse

I spent the past few days lazing around my parent's house, eating, cooking, jamming with my brother, and meeting with some of my school friends. I tried not to think much about my relationship with Joel, I tried not to think about Sebastien. I was just spending time with my friends, going to pubs, and having movie nights. I spent a lot of time with my childhood best friend Martha's newborn baby girl Thea and it made me wonder if life like this will be in my future. Lots of my friends had children now and I loved being the cool aunt who was giving awesome gifts, playing hide and seek, and tag with the kids, but by the end of the day, I was afraid of having my own children. I was afraid of fucking it up, not being there enough for them, being too cold towards them. I knew that my career was my number one priority, but hearing all my friends talk mostly about their children and all I could do was have my gin and tonic and listen.

It felt like I was living a double, even triple life. The first one was here in England, the other was in Finland and the third one was in France, which I hoped to soon be over and done with. My life in Paris would have to come to an end. I loved the city, I loved the country, but the heaviness that I felt after I landed in Paris was unbearable. If my mum wasn't there with me, I probably would have had a mental breakdown in the middle of the airport.

My lawyer was waiting for us at the airport so we would straight away go to the courthouse and be over and done with. I didn't want to spend any more time in Paris... the city of love... ironic.

My lawyer was quite a scary but kind woman, she has been defending domestic violence victims for 20 years now. She reassured me that everything will be fine and I will get peace of mind after they put him behind the bars. Evelyn was the only person that knew everything because she needed to know everything, she knew the details that not even my therapist, or my mum, or Alice knew. Evelyn told me that the more she knows the easier it would be to punish the man, but I made her promise that certain things should never be used in the courtroom.

"You know, you don't really have to be here," Evelyn turned to me after she killed the engine of her car, "It could be triggering for you to see him as you haven't seen him in what now? 7–8 months?"

"7 months," I whispered, "I need to see him being sentenced! I have to, for my mental health... I have to know that he gets to rethink his life. "

The whole process was too long for my liking, but partly it was my own fault. I didn't want anything to do with the man and it would have been easier and faster if I stayed here in Paris, but I knew that I would have lost my mind by now.

"If you are sure, then let's get going'' Evelyn got out of the car, and my mom and I followed her example. As soon as I got out, I saw the man. The man that made my blood boil. We both looked at each other and I saw that he was miserable, his whole appearance was shabby, but I didn't feel a single ounce of sympathy.

"Eleanor..." I saw Sebastien's lips move, but I tried to block his voice in my head. I don't need this. I wanted to run away, why am I doing this? I looked at my mother who was standing beside me, she grabbed my hand and gave it a tight squeeze.

"You can't speak to her," Evelyn's stern voice came through my mind.

"If you gave me a minute to talk to her," Sebastien begged and his lawyer seemed to move Sebastien away, so he wouldn't get into more trouble.

"You already have said and done enough, so let's just get over with," my mum raised her voice and there was nothing scarier than my mother when she was angry.

"Please, just a minute," he continued to beg.
Evelyn and his lawyer said something to each other in French and Evelyn turned to me.
"Do you want to talk with him? Because you still would talk under my and his lawyer's eyes, just in case you or he says something that could possibly affect the process."