Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XIII

TW: slight mentions of abuse

I had to leave for England for a while and Joel all the time was complaining about it and even mentioned that he would like to come with me, to which I objected because I knew the band had many things coming up. Also, I needed some time alone, away from Joel to understand what was going on in my head. On the one hand, I wanted to be with him, on the other hand, I was scared, I was scared for so many things, but mostly for him. I was scared that my past would catch up to us and ruin us both once again. I was scared that I wouldn't be able to mentally and physically open up to him. I was afraid of many things and it gave me a headache.

I landed in Manchester and my mum came to pick me up. As soon as she saw me, she knew that something was off, but she didn't question it yet. My mother knew that I would speak when I want, so instead, the whole way home she chatted away about what was going on in their lives and my little brother's drumming practises and how they and dad barely got any sleep now because Martin is drumming away all the time.

I saw the familiar street and I somehow felt relieved to be here. Mum parked in front of the house and helped me with my bags. I walked into the house and immediately was greeted by our family's Bernese mountain dog Apollo. He was the happiest chap around and a great playmate for my brother. It reminded me that I should get myself a pet because it is great to have some company.

"Martin is still at school and dad is coming home later. He took the rest of the week off so we could spend some time with you," my mum stated as she put my bags by the staircase, "But you, my love, look like you need a drink, and I'm talking strong one, not coffee."

I laughed at my mum's bluntness.

"Isn't it a bit too early?" I pointed at the clock by the living room door that showed it was 2 pm.

"I see your eyes, they are full of worry," my mother came up to me and side hugged me, "So we need a few drinks. Also, it is fine to have a little wine with your brunch."

My mum led me to the kitchen where she got the wine and some food from the fridge and made me sit by the kitchen counter. I was following my mother every move. I really was a carbon copy of my mother. She, like me, had dark brown hair, a button nose and full lips. Like her, I was tall and curvy, even though my mother had gained more weight ever since giving birth to my brother. The only difference was our eyes, I had my father's bright green eyes, while my mothers were dark brown. And on top of that, we also sometimes had the same mind, so it was hard to hide anything from here. My mother knew when I smoked weed for the first time, or when I had my first heartbreak before I even could say anything.

"So what is bothering you?" My mum said after she put down some veggies and sandwiches on the kitchen island. She poured some wine for us and sat on the opposite side of the kitchen island.

"Joel..." I started but took a big sip of wine looking at my mother's reaction.

"You mean as in your ex Joel?" I nodded and my mum continued, "You still care for him?"

"I always had, I just needed to focus on my work. And now that I'm back in Finland and he is back in my life, I cannot escape him and these feelings," I took another sip and signed, "I love him, mum, but I'm so scared because I know how sensitive he is and I know that I'm not the same person I was. I don't want to hurt him because I cannot let him close because of..."

"I get it," mum cut in so I don't have to say his name. My mother hated Sebastien's guts. When my parents came to Paris to pick me up after the last incident, my mother was ready to kill the man with her bare hands but lucky for him he was in police custody at the time.

"Joel still loves me, he told me himself. We were celebrating his and Joonas birthday and he told me, but I couldn't say it back because I'm scared mum," I let the waterworks start and the next thing I felt my mother wrapping her arms around my shoulders, "And the worst part is that he is willing to wait, he is willing to help me, but I don't want to hold him back because his dream is coming true."