Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XXIII

My flight to Helsinki was delayed a bit and when I finally arrived home, I was exhausted. I dropped my suitcase and coat on the floor, not caring where they fell. I was hungry and tired, and I knew that there was nothing in the fridge. This really was the downside of travelling from country to country, because your home often seemed so empty and lonely. Just the same as my life.

I found some instant noodles and boiled the water for them. It wasn't even that late, just a bit past nine, but I was ready to fall asleep by the kitchen table. This film was killing me and I was thankful that the filming moved for a month due to scheduling issues with one of the main actors, so I would have at least a few weeks off. Of course, this also created problems with a few filming locations and some crew members, so obviously, there was a new headache for that, but thankfully Julian was already on it and it everything was going as smoothly as it could.

After finishing the noodles, I put on some music and found the book I started a while back. It was my biggest curse to start a book and then forget about it for months until I suddenly remembered I never got to the end of the book. I wanted to convince myself that I needed peace, but the more peace I got, the more anxious I became. I wanted to call Alice or Maria or even Joonas to come and hang out with me, but I didn't want to feel like a burden. My problems now involved too many people and it scared me that they would eventually turn away from me because I couldn't get my shit together.

I always sought approval from others, because I needed to know if I'm doing the right thing... Joel was right, I was obsessed with doing the right thing. I didn't want to disappoint anyone and now when my life was affecting so many people I was lost. I usually dealt with my problems on my own and with my therapist.

I loudly sighed, I was reading through the same paragraph for the 10th time. I couldn't concentrate on anything. I got up from the sofa and found the half-empty whiskey bottle, I poured the amber liquid into the glass and swallowed the strong drink.

Why did I let a man make me crazy? Why did I fall in love? Why couldn't I stand by my morals that love is a distraction?

I poured another glass, but a sudden banging behind my doors made me jump. I looked at the clock on the display of the oven, it was a bit past 11 and I was genuinely scared to open the door because it was late and my front door didn't have a peephole. The banging stopped for a moment and I heard someone loudly yelling my name. I walked closer to the door and the banging started again.

As I was standing behind the door now, I heard even clearer the voice behind. It was Joel.

"Eleanor! Open the door!" and he was drunk. I wanted to pretend that I'm not home. I didn't want to face Joel while he was drunk. Drunk Joel was a box of chocolates, you never knew which Joel it was going to be.

"Eleanor, please... I know you are home," Joel's voice now sounded like he was on the verge of crying. I closed my eyes and my hand automatically reached for the key and I unlocked the door.

There he stood. A shadow of the man I loved so much. I looked him up and down. His hair was in his usual bun, but his eyes had sunk in and there were dark circles underneath his eyes. His skin was unhealthily pale, his lips chopped, but the thing that got my attention was the bleeding knuckles on his right arm.

"Are you okay? My god," I instinctively grabbed his hand to inspect it, "Did you do this to yourself?"

"I... I think so," Joel slurred and looked down at his shoes like an ashamed child. His hand relaxed in mine and I pulled him inside the flat.

"Why?" I looked into his eyes and Joel shrugged. Joel was just about able to stand up, so I led him to the kitchen table and made him sit. I removed my hand from his grip and walked to get the first aid to clean his bloody knuckles. Joel saw my glass of whiskey and reached for it.