Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

VI

Life was a weird thing, one moment everything was going splendidly and the next it all turned to shit. I have been feeling so much happier ever since I moved to Finland, but for god knows what reason, my past and my ex had to come back to haunt me. I wanted to move on, but I was getting a lot of messages from my ex-boyfriend's friends on how I have ruined his life, how he was a mess and has been drinking a lot. Frankly, I couldn't be bothered, the dickhead deserved everything he got and I was still angry to this day, that he was not sitting in a jail cell and rethinking his choices. For all, I knew he is gonna meet the next woman and it won't end well for her either.

I was losing sleep, I was scared that they could come here and find me. Everything felt too overwhelming and I didn't want to bother anyone with my problems. I felt like such a hypocrite as I always told everyone to talk about their feelings and what they are going through, and yet here I was crying myself to sleep once again.
I think I was sobbing too loudly at this point and I felt the doors opening to my room and seconds later Alice had her arms wrapped around me as I laid my head on her chest. She didn't ask anything, didn't say anything. She just held me and let me cry my heart out. I wish I had never met Sébastien, I curse the day I met him, I curse his charming smile and personality, how he could sweet talk and make me weak in the knees. I wish I had stayed here and worked things out with Joel because even if he could be very difficult to deal with, he could never raise his hand on me. If he had a bad day he would just shut himself off. I regret a lot of things and I try not to overthink them, but every now and then I would blame myself for the mess that was my life.

The next morning I felt like shit and I didn't try to hide it. I went for my morning jog and put on the angriest playlist I had. I gave every person a look that could kill if they looked at me the wrong way, I used to be really fat due to my depression and binge eating, but since I moved here I got into a better headspace and I found a nice therapist, and I finally felt good enough to go to the gym and go out for runs, before that, I saw them as the most unbearable thing as I felt judged and when people started to talk to each other it felt that they were talking about me. But it was in the past now and now running was my kind of therapy to clear my head, to deal with the anger building up.

My run went as smoothly as it could in my current state and I felt a bit better when I saw Alice and Joonas coming my way. Without a word, Alice handed me a water bottle and coffee.

"I feel bad for that couple you just have that nasty look," Alice spoke up.

"I hate when people are not as miserable as me," I tried to be sarcastic but it felt that words coming out of my mouth sounded too honest.

"We still love and care for you even when you're miserable and wish everyone death," Joonas dropped his arm around my shoulders, "Anyway, I just came by to give you backstage passes. I can't wait to have my favorite cheerleaders see us in action again."

"I have become even more bitter and judgmental, so you better be worth it," I laughed and tried to get out of Joonas grip. It's not that I didn't like it, it was just a bit too hot and I was already sweating buckets. Joonas, however, looked dissatisfied with my decision.

"You have changed, you used to love my hugs," Joonas pouted.

"I do love them, but it's too bloody hot," I said as I took a sip of the coffee and we walked towards the sea. Alice lived by the harbor and the view was to kill for, I loved being near the sea or any water for that matter, it gave me peace and also a bit of a sense of wonder. I always was fascinated with waters, especially with oceans as they held so many secrets, it made your mind wonder what is underneath, where it all ends, what is living there.

"Do you ever stop thinking?" Joonas asked suddenly.

"It is my biggest curse and the biggest gift, the world is an amazing place and I just like to appreciate it while I'm here," I smiled at my friend and he hummed.