Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XVIII

It was New Year's eve and some of my old friends in Finland decided that we should throw a party and somehow that meant we were having a celebration at my flat. I was busy all morning setting up decorations and cooking some snacks for the evening. I usually didn't like to throw parties, I preferred to go to them, but this time I was excited about having my friends over for a celebration. I was finishing up a cake and dancing to some 70s tunes, dressed in an oversized shirt, knowing no one could see me nor judge me. I missed the feeling of being so careless and on my own.

I actually was feeling so much better being on my own than I have felt in a long time. I finally had time to think about myself even if sometimes it meant that I was locked with my thoughts and I ended up being either moody or crying on the sofa.

Joel and I were taking a break if you could call it like that, but that didn't mean we didn't hang out. We still went to pubs or got together for some dinner, but most of the time with other friends too. We were acting as friends and it felt much easier than being in a relationship that wasn't 100% truthful. Joel wasn't as good as me to pretend that everything was well, but I knew that he wanted me to be happy.

I haven't been single for a while. I was with Joel for almost 3 years and I had a few relationships here and there before I met Sebastien and let him ruin my life for almost a year. I spent some time in between the relationships alone, but oftentimes I didn't have much time to think about relationships because I was working most of the time. It was my way of coping with things in my life. If something was wrong I threw myself into work, if I had bad headspace I needed to write, if things were going wrong I was writing... every negative event made me want to escape my reality and most of the time it was working.

Soon after I had finished preparing the snacks and getting dressed, my friends started to flood the apartment and it was such a happy feeling having people around to celebrate New Year's. Almost all of my friends were here except for the band. They were performing on live television tonight so it was an exciting night for them.

We rang the New Year and the party was in full swing. And by that I mean there were drunken political debates in one corner of the room, some dancing in other and in the middle, someone was still snacking away.

I was involved in the debate when I felt my phone vibrating in the pocket of my pants. I saw Joel's name across the display and it actually felt like I was saved by the bell. Even if Joel's name wasn't the one I wanted to see. I was planning to have a party with the band, but in the end, I canceled those plans as I wanted to have some space from Joel, and Joel was hurt by my decision.

I walked to the balcony so it would be quiet and answered the call.

"Took you a while," I heard Joel's a bit too slurred voice.

"Sorry, I was trying to escape from all the people," I silently answered.

"Well, it would have been much more if you didn't tell us to fuck off," Joel was drunk and by the tone, in his voice, he wasn't angry or anything, just drunk and whiny. I couldn't help but chuckle at his drunk whining.

"Had a few too many there I hear?"

"More of 'I need more sleep'," Joel complained and then cursed loudly in Finnish. By the sounds of it, Joel was also outside and almost slipped on the ice.

"Are you okay there?"

"Yeah, just this fucking ice everywhere," Joel sounded pissed off.

"Don't kill yourself!" I laughed, "I haven't seen you in a few days and you are already struggling."

"Then imagine how it was when I was alone for the past 2 years," Joel answered in the same slurred tone.

"You seem to be just fine," I softly said, "But it is always better to have a woman in your life."