Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XVII

My life was getting back on track. I was busy with preparation for my new project while living between Helsinki and London. I actually was happy having my head back to the game, it helped me forget the mess in my head and I even helped the band with some ideas for their upcoming live shows.

Joel and I tried to pretend to be a happy couple, but something still was off, because I saw that he knew something wasn't quite right with me, but he didn't say anything. I also noticed that Joel struggled with his own demons and it got worse every time I left for London. I was afraid that we were falling back to the place we once were and it led to the end of our relationship. Joel was talking much more about his struggles, but I was unable to pay attention as much as Joel needed.

Our relationship was a mess. One would think that Joel and I were always meant to be, but this relationship was so much work and we were not the same people. Only now I understand just how much there was left unsaid and it made our relationship difficult because I liked to be honest about everything, but now I felt like a thief navigating through the dark trying not to draw too much attention to the mess in my head.

Joel has been spending more time at my flat than his own, he even had his own corner in my drawer for his clothes. Most of the time he wouldn't even ask if he could come over, he would just appear at my door as it was the most normal thing and to be honest, it was pissing me off a bit. I liked my solitude, especially because I had to work, but having Joel around wasn't helping because Joel couldn't keep his hands to himself and we would end up having sex anywhere around the flat. I think that there was no surface in my flat that wasn't christened at this point. We both were touch starved and it just felt good to feel someone close to you, having someone who handles you with care and love. He wasn't the man I left, he was much more thoughtful and caring. The downfall was that we didn't talk much, I was going by my life as if my past didn't happen and if Joel brought the topic up about what happened in these 2 years, I would start talking about work or pretend I have a lot of things to do, or just plainly ignore Joel's questions.

Joel once again was hanging around my place. We were watching The Office, his head on my lap while I softly stroked his hair. In reality, I think none of us paid attention to the show, we just wanted to be in each other's presence. It was such a weird feeling having Joel around as we have sunk into some kind of routine at this point. The band had released a new single and Joel spend the past month stressed out about all the details of the publishing, interviews, same old, but Joel being Joel liked to make everything a tad bit harder and more dramatic than it actually was, so having Joel calm was a blessing. He had such weird energy around him, he could be ready for the most unexpected to happen or be completely clueless of what is going on at the same time, but he somehow could easily drive people to himself even without wanting it. I tried to stay away from band stuff as much as I could, but even I indirectly became involved. I was happy that someone was trusting me so much, but it was exhausting as I had my own work problems to deal with.

"Do you think about the future?" Joel suddenly spoke up which pulled me out of my thoughts.

"What do you mean?" I asked back and Joel moved so he could look up to me still having his head on my lap.

"What does your future look like for you?"

"I'm not sure," I moved my hand away from Joel's face and I saw the displeasure in his face, "I mostly live one day at the time. I don't have a 5-year plan, I try to concentrate on my film for now and that is the only future I see."

"What about me?" I looked away, but Joel moved his hand so he could touch my chin and move my head back to look at him.

I didn't know what to say. Did I see Joel in my future? I loved him, but was it enough? Still so much was left unsaid and already having some kind of routine in our lives made me not want to talk about anything that happened after I left Joel.