Trying Your Luck // Joel Hokka

XXII

I had lost control over my life. After talking with Joel, I had to get back to work. I had table reads to attend, I had meetings with my producers. I had to concentrate on the film, but all I could think about was how Joel was doing. Of course, he ignored me, the only way I knew that he was alive was that he occasionally posted something on Instagram or he was checking my posts. My main source of Joel's well-being was his bandmates. And it was bad. He spent his days drinking, in the studio he was unbearable because he would be all moody and sad. Joonas reassured me that no one in the band was angry at me, he also told me that he and Joel have talked and Joel has calmed down, but he was still hurt and wasn't sure what to do.

I haven't seen Joel in almost 2 weeks and it was taking a toll on me as well. I wanted to talk it through so I would know where we stand. I wanted to have some closure, but I was scared of what this closure would bring to us. I didn't want to lose Joel.

It was the third table read this week. The actors and other crew members saw that I wasn't in the right headspace, but my personal life problems couldn't affect the work. I turned on my best "I'm professional" mode and tried to pretend that everything was okay. The only person that saw through my lies was my producer and my oldest friend, with whom I built my career.

I met Julian in our school's drama class, I was 13 and Julian was 15. I was never interested in acting, I just wanted to help with the stage setting and see how the whole behind-the-scenes worked. Julian was also one of the kids who liked to stay behind and work on props for our school plays and after that, we basically became the best of friends. We used to go and see films together, spending most of our weekends at the cinema. We used to work at the same pub in London and we used to live together for a while. I was the "best man" at his wedding, he was my plus one at the Oscars. We were each other's backups because working in the film industry you need to have at least one close friend who would understand what you are talking about, what are you feeling and what are you thinking. Even if I had other friends, no one understands the pressure and letdown of the industry better than Julian. You need to be on good terms with your producers, so your ideas don't cut short and I was lucky that mine was one of my best friends.

Julian saw that I wasn't paying much attention to the work, so he called for a break. Everyone left for lunch leaving me and Julian in the conference room. Julian offered to go to the canteen to get us coffee and some sandwiches to which I just nodded and stayed put, trying to read through the script once again. But even while reading the script I could see some lines that reminded me of Joel. I had given my main character some of Joel's characteristics like his fast nature and his ability to stay worked up about things that he had no control over.

Julian came back with our lunch and we ate in silence for a while, but I noticed Julian's concerned looks. I didn't have to speak with him to understand what his look means and right now it was pissing me off.

"Do you want to talk about it? Or you'll let it ruin this project?" Julian finally broke the ice. Julian was a bold man, never talked his way around, just straight to the point. That's why he was the producer and I was the director, "You have been off ever since you came to London. Claire and I are worried about you."

"There is nothing to talk about. It's nothing I can control," I shrugged and played with the lettuce sticking out of the side of the sandwich.

"What is it?" Julian was always the person to push you for the answers and I guess that was another reason why he was such a great producer. He didn't take bullshit from anyone.

"It's my love life..."

"With Joel?" I nodded to Julian's question, "What's wrong this time?"

"I admitted something to him that possibly ruined our chances to get back together."