The light in her dark

28. Do I truly love her?

Love

What is love?

It's commonly defined as "An intense feeling of deep affection"
But I define it differently

I define it as something that makes someone feel whole

Something that can't easily be given or taken

Something that no one knows they need, but when they have it, they never want to let it go

Something everyone deserves to have

It's a warm feeling that causes comfort

But even with a person that causes that same feeling,

There's still a certain sting, a certain ache

There's never a certain meaning to that specific feeling

Whether it's guilt

Or wanting the certain love that's being shared to sprout into something more

Maybe paranoia?

Or perhaps it's wanting a deeper connection but being too afraid to ask

You never know

There are thousands of reasons as to why there could be that certain ache

See, love is more complicated than people make it out to be

It's never simple

Getting there isn't simple

Finding the right person to show your love to isn't simple either

There's heartbreak, there's betrayal, and there's toxic people who take advantage of love

I have been heartbroken far too many times and it's been so long since I believed I could truly love again

I feel as if I've forgotten what the feeling feels like

I doubt if I truly do love the girl next to me, or if it's another feeling that I can't identify

But I'm normally so good at identifying my own emotions?

Well, I suppose these days, around this girl, I'm vulnerable to many new emotions

I'm not entirely sure if that's a good or bad thing and I don't know if I want to find out either.

She slipped up the other day

She was about to say the three words

"I love you."

But she stopped herself

Was it because of me?

Or was she not ready?

Perhaps I'm still the problem here

Perhaps she knows I'm not entirely familiar with the concept of love

Sure, I've said I love you a few times, but that was mostly to family

Or it was forced

I mean, I suppose I've said it to one or two past partners, but they ended up using me for their own gain

So now I simply don't trust my sense of love

But the thing is, this girl, the girl lying next to me, she has no gain from using me, nor lying to me

She's my prisoner

She chose to stay even after I tortured her

She truly cares for me