Not a Dream | DNF

2.

Recommended song: Forever-Labrinth

Everyone copes different some vent to a friend, some drive a car, some eat, and me being me, cutting. I say it like it mattes. Well it mattered to one person, Karl.
When I told him he made me promise to call him if I really wanted to cut.
And you know what?! I did, I stoped I stoped cutting and while that was good I broke my promise. It had been around 50 days since I last held the thin blade between my fingers and I felt the urge.

Ready to hear something that you probably didn't expect? Maybe even a plot twist...

I kept my promise and I texted that night, telling him about the thing I struggled with the most, food.

Don't get me wrong I don't think I have like an eating disorder, it's just something normal to me.

Since I was little I was told by my mother that you should be skinny so people will like you. And the jokes, about my weight or my eating habits, that my father made weren't really funny to me. I was told sometimes I eat too much and well let's say that stuck with me. The fact that my older sister had the perfect body didn't help. I was and still am comparing myself to her.
I always weighted myself, but when someone asked, I would say I didn't know, because I was embarrassed by the number I saw. So when I got the urge I had not been wanting to eat for a while. I skipped breakfasts ate a little bit at lunch and skipped diners. Food made me feel like I was disgusting. If I ate I wanted to throw it up. I felt so full and disgusted with myself, I felt like because I ate I had done a sin and instantly regret filled me.

So I used cutting to teach myself a lesson not to eat. This usually happens when I feel down and it lasts for a while till my mood gets a better. I just am not best friends with the food during those times. But when I feel happy I love to eat. I still feel bad and overthink a bit, but I love eating.

Let's get back to coping. I texted Karl and that night I didn't cut but that was the first and last time I reached for help and I regretted it. He helped me but then I thought of how stupid I was to share. Nobody cared why would I be so stupid to put my cares on someone else.

It had been months since I last touched a razor blade but then it all went down hill. I just fell in a deep hole again and well yeah. After being months clean I returned back to SH. When Karl would ask me how I am I would lie and lie, until he eventually believed me.
At this point I was 9th grade. I was 15 and already regretting to reaching for help and being too deep to stop. So when I felt bad i went to the bathroom got the razor blades and did what I did the best, show how much I hated myself.