Whom to love.

17

*self harm in this section * 😌

"Jisoo, are you actually listening to me?" Jennie prodded me.

We were talking to school and my mind had that static sensation again. I'd skipped school for the past few days. I felt like I'd hit a complete and utter jagged rock bottom. I felt in pain, constantly, and I couldn't figure out why. I just felt... wrong.

"Uh... yeah. Yeah." I stuttered quietly over my words.

"I was saying about the party I went to at the weekend. Oh my goodness, you literally shouldn't seen Sana... she was so drunk. And Momo was getting with any guy that looked at her, she's so hilarious. And -"

I sighed and rolled my eyes. "Jennie, I've got no fucking interest in hearing about your whiny little group of friends and their 'wild' weekend antics." I snapped.

I paused the second I'd snapped and I felt guilty. I'd felt completely dissociated from the conversation until I'd snapped at her. I didn't know where it came from. And it was clear from her face that she was taken aback and hurt.

"I didn't deserve that." She muttered before walking away from me.

I stood in the same spot she'd left me in feeling utterly disconnected from reality. I tried to take a few breaths to bring me back.

Who was I kidding? I'd felt simultaneously numb and in pain for days without a valid reason. I felt everything and nothing at the same time.

I headed off around the side of the school, frantic on my feet with my chest feeling heavy.

As I walked, I pass the two people I didn't want to see at all.

Jungkook and Katie walked arm in arm towards the school building. She was flicking her hair and tapping her acrylic nails on her phone.

Jungkook stared at me intently before quickly looking away.

I rushed around the side wall of the school and rolled a joint with shaking hands. I lit it up and leant against the wall, feeling light-headed.

"Hey." Lisa walked slowly over to me. "Are you okay?"

She seemed to be wincing as she spoke and her words were spoken slowly. "What's wrong with you?" I quizzed, ignoring her question.

"Ugh... my back. I hurt it when I was drunk at the weekend." She complained. "How?"

"I fell down the stairs." She shrugged and I chuckled along. "Anyway, I have to take these ridiculously strong painkillers for it now. I've had to bring them to school with me."

"How many do you have to take?" I wondered.

"Three a day. Strict warning to not take more than that. I'm not even keen on taking them, to be honest."

I nodded along as she spoke, not feeling very present in the conversation and focusing on my joint.

"Anyway, I'm going to class. Are you coming?"

"Yeah, in a minute." I told her.

"I'll see you there."

I walked into Physics with my chest still feeling heavy and my mind still feeling blurry and the thought that I didn't want to be there. Or anywhere. What was the point in my life?

I sat down in my usual seat beside Lisa. "Are you okay, Jisoo?" She asked as soon as I sat down.

I nodded. "I'm fine."

The lesson went slow and it was difficult to endure.

My mind wandered and I didn't take in a word the teacher said.
I didn't want to be there. I didn't want to be anywhere. That thought that I'd had resonated with me.

Lisa snapped me back to reality about half way through the lesson. "I'm going to the toilet. I can't be assed with this anymore." She smiled, skipping off out of the room.

I watched as Lisa went.

The thought about not wanting to be there spun in circles around my mind, and then I remembered my conversation with Lisa and the one part of the chat that drew my attention.

I took a deep breath. Every part of me knew what I was about to do was wrong. A small and persuading part of me told me that it needed to be done.

I discreetly reached into Lisa's bag, grabbed the painkillers that were stuffed into a side pocket, and shoved them into my bag.

There was tears in my eyes and a lump in my throat but I didn't reverse my action.

Lisa scuttled back in and sat down and studied me.

"Jisoo, Are you sure you're okay? You look really pale and strange right now." She said, with not much sensitivity in her voice.

"Yeah, yeah... I just feel a bit unwell." I lied, before raising my hand.

"Mr Raven, can I go to the bathroom?" I tried to put on my politest and most stable voice.

"Jisoo! It's the last lesson of the day. Can you not wait?" "No. I can't." I shook my head quickly.

"Fine."

I rushed out of the classroom with my bag discreetly clutched to my side and walked frantically to the bathroom.

I stood in front of the mirror evaluating what I was about to do, but my whole brain didn't give me a second to think before I took twenty of the tablets, one after another.

I looked at myself in the mirror again and muttered, "you're a mess."

I sat for the rest of the lesson and felt fine. I rushed off so I wouldn't have to talk to Lisa at the end, feeling uncomfortable about taking from her bag.

And then a woozy feeling started to hit me as I was walking home.

I'd barely got out of school grounds when I could feel myself not walking in a straight line and stumbling on my own feet. I felt light-headed and my mind was cloudy. "Jisoo!" I heard someone call from behind me, but the sound was fuzzy. "Jisoo, are you okay?" "Taehyung? Yeah, yeah -"
And then everything went black⚫ .