Whom to love.

22

I woke up on Christmas Eve and wandered over to my window.I smiled a warm smile when I saw the snow layered on the ground sparkling as the dim sum shone.I'd always liked Christmas. When my mental health deteriorated, the appeal to the magic of the holiday seemed to fade, but moments like this made it all come flooding back.I headed downstairs ready to make myself some porridge in my festive mood and noticed a small bag hung on the handle of my back door.I walked over to the door and opened it and grabbed the small green gift bag.I placed it on the table and pulled the two gifts out.One was lighter with a F.R.I.E.N.D.S quote on and the other was a high-quality leather notebook.And then there was a little neat square of paper with neat handwriting on it.

Jisoo,

I hope you like the gifts. I know you haven't been feeling yourself lately, and I wanted to show you that I care.I remember you referencing 'Friends' a few times so I thought I'd get you a themed lighter (despite feeling fairly awkward having to purchase smoking paraphernalia, he looked at me weirdly). And I know you enjoy writing and it helps you to express yourself and your emotions, so here's a brand new notebook for a brand new year.I hope you have the best Christmas and find the magic again.

Taehyung

I quickly put on my coat after reading the note and headed down the road, trudging through the slippery snow.

"Hello." An older blonde woman with a wonky fringe and a friendly smile opened the door.

"Hi. Is Taehyung in?" I asked as politely as I could manage.Before she could answer, an older man with an almost bald head, a chubby body, and a calm demeanor approached and stood behind her."Who's this?" He asked."She's here for Taehyung." The woman replied, speaking as though I wasn't there.The man raised his eyebrows as if they were sharing a thought."I'm guessing... but I'm assuming you're Jisoo?" He smiled at me and I nodded. "Well, I'm Byung-woo. And this is Ji-ae. We're Taehyung's grandparents." "Hi. It's nice to meet you." I felt completely on the spot."Oh, it's nice to meet you." Ji-ae gushed."We've heard so much about your intelligence and your strong attitude to life and your kindness. Taehyung is very fond of you. He's talked about you"Grandma." Taehyung interrupted from behind with a deep red face and a frantic gaze. "Oh, darling. Jisoo is here." Ji-ae smiled, naively. "Is she coming in?""Oh no, I wasn't stopping." I quickly said, feeling on the spot enough for one day. "Yeah, can you just give us a second?" Taehyung smiled.His grandparents closed the door as Taehyung stepped out and continued to wave as they walked back into the large house."Hey. I'm sorry about that." Taehyung said in a rushed and frantic voice, clearly still concerned about the confessions his grandma was freely giving. "Oh no, it's fine. They seem lovely." I smiled.Taehyung and I sat on the damp snow on the top of his garden steps in silence for a few seconds."What are your Christmas Eve plans?" I asked him. "We're making a three-story gingerbread house." He shrugged. I laughed. "Wow. Impressive. That'll keep you busy."We sat in silence again staring out across the snow and shivering in the cold. "Thank you," I told him. "Oh, it was nothing. Honestly. They were just little things." He smiled awkwardly, referring to the gifts."No, Taehyung. Not just for the gifts." I clarified."For what else?""For everything." I sighed. "You're always there for me. Anytime I need you, I don't even realize I need you, you're there. I appreciate it a lot, even if I don't show you. I think I've needed you the past few months."Taehyung's face was pink and his eyes wouldn't meet mine. "It's fine. It's what friends do." He shrugged."It's not just fine, Taehyung. You're amazing." I smiled at him, forcing him to maintain eye contact.And then in my whirl of appreciation for the crutch Taehyung had been for me for the past few months, I leaned in and I kissed him.Taehyung kissed me back but he was reluctant. It took a second for him to feel comfortable and he wrapped his hand around the back of my neck in a gentle way. I pulled away fairly quickly and I could see his disappointment.I didn't know if what I'd done was right, all I knew was I'd wanted to.But been because I was appreciating his unconditional support and the fact that he loved me without wanting anything back? "Taehyung, I better go," I told him.He seemed frozen, he could do nothing but nod. "Okay."I wrapped my coat around me tighter and headed down his path and out of his gate, leaving him sitting alone on his snow-coated step on Christmas Eve.