a r c a n e [Poems]

glued on faces

What face today?
Number 6? No not enough yesterday it was number 2 because I could not get the energy to peel that one off

So I put on number 7
Happy but not to the point that it looks fake and my mother questions why I'm smiling tears of joy

I glue it down making sure it won't move
Making sure that my tears and day old makeup won't be seen under it

My mother does not question this face and for that I am glad
I don't want her to question it
Not that she would or could even fully grasp these tears

Telling herself that these sorrows and sadness and stuck feeling that I'm in is only a mere sickness and I will soon recover

But my recovery will not be fast
This journey will take months if not years
I put this face on so I don't have to worry that she will put the back of her hand to my forehead asking me if I am ill

Telling her that I was not sick did no good because she would just come up with another excuse to calm her mind

Her brain and heart in denial
Not wanting to come to terms with the truth of the matter which was that her small child would be sick for a long time

She does not know that this sickness has been eating me up for years but only now is it really coming out to play

Maybe one day I will have control of this sickness and it will not keep me in my bed all day and it will allow me to think happy thoughts and wish to be alive

But until this happens I will glue on face numbers 5-10