𝐩𝐚𝐩𝐞𝐫 𝐫𝐢𝐧𝐠𝐬 ☞s. evans

15. 𝚜𝚎𝚡𝚢

PLEASE DON'T GO ALL BIRDS AND BEES ON US

THE BELL RANG ABOVE THE CHOIR ROOM AS MR. SHUE WROTE ONE UNEXPECTED WORD ON THE WHITEBOARD. Sexy

"I really hope that's not one of the requirements for Regionals because with Berry in those tights, we don't stand a chance." Santana snarked, earning laughs from across the room.

Shaking his head Mr. Shue clarified, "No, this isn't about Regionals. I'm less worried about that right now and more worried about the fact that it's become clear to me that some of you have been lacking when it comes to understanding the...the, uh...the intricacies of adult relationships."

Immediately, laughter erupted but Mr. Shue carried on with his awkward lecture. "Yeah, anyways. Along with preparing for our regionals next week, I want to spend the week educating ourselves about some of these intricacies."

"Please don't go all flowers and bees on us Mr. Shue." Olivia joked crossing her arms.  

However Will just ignored her saying, "Look, whenever we had, uh, issues in the past that are on our minds or giving us problems, it's always helped us to sing about it. So, this week I have invited a special guest: Ms. Holliday!"

Despite the fact that Olivia wasn't too interested in this week's lesson, she absolutely adored Holiday so as soon as their former sub entered, Olivia was sure to cheer the loudest.

"Hola, clase." Holly introduced with a wave of her hand.  And while Olivia was very happy to see her favorite sub, some others didn't feel the same Mercedes mumbling, "Oh no, it's the salad lady."

"Okay, so: sex." Holly began, "It's just like hugging, only wetter."

"Yeah it is." Artie smirked only for Olivia to slap him in the back of his head grossed out, "Like you would know."

But Holly paid no attention to the twin's quarrels continuing, "Okay, so let's start with the basics. Finn, is it true that you thought you got your girlfriend pregnant via hot tub?"

"I have always been dubious."

"Well, that's all going to end right here, right now." Holly smiled brightly, "Because, today, we are going to get under the covers, all together, and get the ditty on the dirty."

"Ah, what about those of us who choose to remain celibate?" Rachel asked pointing to her and Quinn, the blonde moving to the side not wanting to be associated with the girl. 

"Oh, well, I admire you." Holiday grinned, "Although I think you're naive and possibly frigid, I do admire your choice."

Obviously offended Rachel's jaw dropped, Mr. Shue quick to step in suggesting, "I think this is a good time for a song."

"Oh! Yes, okay." Miss. Holiday agreed before carrying on with her lesson plan, "Rule number one: every intimate encounter that you're ever going to have in your life is going to start with a touch. Hit it!"

Do You Wanna Touch Me There(Oh Yeah)- Joan Jett & the Blackhearts 

By the end of the song, everyone was dancing having a blast.  Well, mostly everyone.  Rachel stayed put and surprisingly, so did Olivia.  She wasn't a prude, not at all.  But still, she didn't plan on having sex anytime soon and honestly, she didn't like it being shoved in her face either.  And so, those thoughts led to something Olivia never thought she would do and that was to willingly sit with Rachel Berry.  Plopping down to the crossed arm girl, Olivia let out a sigh catching Rachel's surprised attention. 

"Not liking the lesson either?" Rachel asked, watching Quinn and Finn jealously.

"You could say that again." Olivia replied curtly.

  At that, Rachel turned to the girl fully questioning, "Well, if that's how you feel... what do you think about celibacy?"

---------------

OLIVIA NEVER THOUGHT THAT SHE WOULD FIND HERSELF IN THE CELIBACY CLUB BUT HERE SHE WAS.  And what was even more surprising to her was that Santana, Artie, Brittany, Puckerman and Zizes had joined as well.  

"I hereby call the Celibacy Club to order." Rachel said pounding the gavel in the seat their school councilor usually sat in. 

"Where's Ms. Pillsbury?" Olivia asked, confused as to why she of all people was leading this meeting.

"She decided to take the hour she was spending here to fix her sham of a marriage." Rachel quickly answered, "In the interim, I'll be taking over."

"Because you annoyingly take over everything?" Santana snarked, crossing her arms

Rachel, used to the girl's comments replied peacefully, "No.  Because I realized that while all of us making our celibacy pledge is wonderful, one day we're gonna fall in love with someone and we're going to choose to be intimate with them."

"Just don't go quizzing me about the nature of my relationship with Finn again." Quinn mumbled unhappily.

"Questions somebody still refuses to answer." Rachel cut in sharply as Olivia rolled her eyes not liking how dramatic celibacy club was.

"And I will continue to refuse to answer them, because they are none of your business." Quinn snapped back, "Those are intimate details that you out of all people don't need to know."

"Speaking of intimate, what's with the hickey, Quinn?" Puck pointed out, Olivia straightening up to see the girl's small purple mark on the side of her neck.

"It's not a hickey." Quinn denied.

But Puck only scoffed in response arguing, "Oh, I know hickeys. I'm a freaking connoisseur. I can make them into shapes like balloon animals."

Sucking in a deep annoyed breath, Quinn defended, "I burnt myself this morning with a curling iron."

At that, Olivia eyed the girl knowingly.  She may not be a hickey expert like Puck but she's used the curling iron multiple times and those do not turn purple.

"The key is to use the curling iron in the bathtub, to keep you from getting burnt." 

"No." 

And that's when Olivia snapped.  She knew this was a bad idea the second Rachel mentioned it to her.  At first, Olivia thought that it might be cool, she could use a place to vent about her personal life, but no this was far from it. Snapping out of her seat, Olivia gave up, "Okay, this is stupid.  I'm leaving."

"Wait why?" Rachel asked confused, "It's only your first meeting."

"Yeah, and it's taken me about five seconds to realize that none of you actually care about celibacy."  Olivia stated dryly, "I mean Rachel, you would jump at the moment to get into Finn's pants, and Quinn you're actually doing that.  Come on, you're not fooling anyone that's obviously a hickey.  Artie, Brittany, honestly I don't even want to know why you're here and believe it or not the only true members who care about a healthy relationship and staying celibate is Puck and Lauren." Olivia yelled her voice growing in agitation, "What does it say when you're best member in a club that forbids sex is Puck?"

"She speaks the truth." Noah agreed with a nod of his head.

"I'm done." Olivia stated, "And all of you are kidding yourselves.  Sex is a normal thing and I thought being in this club was just accepting that it wasn't part of any of our journeys yet but no.  All of you are using this as a scapegoat to make you all feel better of something bad in your life, and I think you all know I know exactly what those things are."  With that, Olivia left the room with a loud door slam, but not before giving everyone a not very celibate hand gesture.