#2: Strumming the Pain

Strumming 08

Sa bawat paglipas ng mga araw, mas lalong dumarami ang tanong sa isip ko. Mga tanong na ang hirap bigyan ng kasagutan. Funny how I don't know how I am able to survive every passing day. I am here... barely breathing and trying hard to survive. But there is another question I want to ask, why am I trying so hard to survive if everything will be easier if I stop striving to live?

I sighed, early in the morning and these are the thoughts that are running through my head. Ni hindi pa nga sumisikat ang araw, it's just 4 in the morning. I slept for 3 hours, hindi na ako makatulog. I suddenly woke up feeling the urge to just cry my eyes out. It's so hard living in this house dahil halos araw-araw yata ay sermon ang pabaon sa 'kin ni Dad. Wala pa akong ginagawa pero galit na siya. It's like my presence itself is a problem to them.

Sometimes I'm asking myself... if I'm just a mistake. An accident that happened... and they can't get rid of. I never asked to be born but why does it feel like it's my fault that I'm alive? Is it my fault that I exist? Everyday I'm asking myself... everyday I'm fighting with the demons inside my head. One moment I'm okay, the next thing I knew I'm breaking down.

I thought the past few days would be okay to me, but I was wrong. I thought it's going to be peaceful... but everyday I received different kinds of hurtful words. Words that are engraved in my mind. Words that scarred my souls... words that cut deep. And everyday I had to endure the pain, and act like I wasn't trap in the prison of it.

Final exam will be next week. I just hope that Tita Ina and Daddy will leave me alone and let me breath. I want to get a good score. Kahit naman kasi anong gawin ko, he's my dad. And all I want is to make him proud of me. I want him to stop hurting me from his words.

Why is everything so heavy? Why is it so hard to love me? Why is it so painful to wish to be happy? It is so hard to predict how life is going to be, why do I need to suffer along with my plea?

Questions in my mind never stopped.

"Your final exam is getting near. What's your plan? Mag-rebelde?!" my dad suddenly asked with a cold tone while we were eating breakfast.

I stared at my plate, hindi pa nagagalaw ang pagkain ko. Is this why he told me to have a breakfast with them? He never asked me to join them when they're eating so I was wondering. Maybe this is why. I should be happy, but why do I still feel empty? What a great way to start this day.

"I'm planning to review with my friends." I answered, not looking at him. I played with the utensils while ignoring his glares at me, I can feel them.

"I'm actually shock you still have friends." Tita Ina sarcastically said. I looked at her with a blank face, she's just smirking. She raised her left brow when I kept on staring at her.

"Of course, unlike you." I answered, trying hard not to show my anger because I feel like I have no rights to be.

The smirk on Tita Ina's face slowly faded. From my peripheral view, I saw how Dad glared at me. Nakita ko naman kung paanong nabuo ang galit na ekspresyon sa mukha ni Tita Ina. Her eyes are full of anger towards me.