Starsky and Hutch: Too Close To Home

I'm Scared

As we both just sat there, her crying and me holding her. I was thinking about all that she just said. I'm still not too sure that she doesn't wish she was the one that was dead but all I know is that I'm happy she isn't. She started to calm down as I could hear the sob softer by the moment and she wasn't shaking too hard now. I thought she had fallen asleep till she sneezed, she let out an "oh," as she squeezed my shirt tighter. "It's okay," I told her as I rubbed her back. "That hurt," she said in a low voice. "I'm so sorry," I said before I kissed her shoulder. "Davy." "Hmmmm." "I have to use the bathroom." "Do you want me to carry you, or do you want to try to walk?" "Can you please carry me? I don't trust my legs right now." "I can do that," I said as I put her on the couch so I could get up. I picked her backup to carry her to the bathroom. Once we got to the bathroom, I put her down as she leaned on me to help her stand.

When she was done, I carried her back out of the bathroom as I asked her, "Do you want to go back to the couch?" She shook her head no as she said, "Can I lay down please?" I nodded as I went to her side of the bed. I put her down and helped her get comfortable. "Would you like something to eat?" I asked her as I sat on the bed. "I don't think I can eat." she said looking down. "Do you feel sick?" I asked, concerned knowing that she has eaten anything since we got home. "No, I just don't have an appetite." she said as she was playing with her wedding rings again. I took both her hands into mine as she let out a sign then looked at me. "Babe, you haven't eaten since you came home, and I know that you don't feel like eating but I think you need to get something in your stomach." I spoke softly as I looked her in the eyes. She laid her head back letting out a sign as she closed her eyes. "I'm scared to eat," she said as her voice cracked. "Why are you scared to eat?" I asked as I watched her. "I don't want to get sick" "Honey, I know you hate to get sick, but you can't starve yourself at the same time." She lowered her head and looked at me. "I know I can't, it's just hard because I hate getting sick. I sometimes think that if I don't eat then I won't get sick." She said as tears came to eyes. I put one hand to her face as I said, "I know honey, but you need to eat, or the medicine will make you sick with no food in your stomach." She nodded before she said, "You're right, I'm sorry. I don't want anything heavy to eat." "Angel, you don't need to be sorry. I know how you feel about it, and I hate it as well. But I'm here if you do get sick, okay?" She again nodded before I continued, "How about some eggs and toast?" She then nodded again before I leaned down to give her a kiss. I then got up to go make her some food.

I warmed up my pasta and sauce while I made her eggs with toast. I got out our bed trays to put the food on them so we can eat in bed. I got hers together before mine, so I carried hers into the bedroom. As I walked in, I saw that she had her head back with her eyes closed and that she was still playing with her wedding rings still. "Here is your food my love," I said as she jumped again. She looked at me with a smile and thanked me. "My pleasure," I said as I kissed her for head. I then went to walk out of the room to get my food when I heard, "Where are you going?" I turned around to see panic setting in again. "Sweetie, I'm going to get my food so I can eat with you, okay?" I said softly. She nodded her head as she watched my every move. As I walked into the kitchen I thought, I have ever seen her this vulnerable. I got my food on my tray and then walked back into the bedroom. She hadn't touched anything yet but was just looking at it. I sat down next to her, once I got comfortable, I put my hand on Angel's arm. She turned to look at me as I gave her a smile. She smiled back before she picked up her fork. We both ate our food in the quiet of the room with both of us in our thoughts. I just wish I knew what was going on in her head.

Once I was done eating, I pushed the tray away from me as I let out a sigh. That was good, I thought. I looked over to see that Angel had eaten some but not all of her food. I watched as she pushed her food from one side of the plate to the other. I got up to take my tray into the kitchen, I put the dishes in the sink and then walked back into the bedroom. I walked over to Angel's side of the bed and asked, "Are you done, sweetheart?" She nodded her head as she folded her arms over her stomach. I took the tray from in front of her, I then walked back into the kitchen and put the dishes in the sink. I'll do dishes when she goes to sleep, I don't want to be away from her for too long I thought to myself. Once I walked back into the bedroom, I saw that Angel had her head back with her eyes closed. I sat down on the bed slowly so I wouldn't scare her. I sat there just watching her for a moment trying to think if I should say anything or just let her rest. I was about to close my eyes and let her rest when I saw a tear coming from her eye. I turned to face her better, I reached out to put my hand on her arm as I said, "Angel."

She didn't look at me but brought her other hand and placed it over mine that was on her arm. She held it tightly as I saw another tear. I rubbed my thumb over her arm as she said, "Please hold me." I sat up, got closer to her as I pulled her into my arms. She put her arms around my waist as she put her head on my chest. I rubbed her back as I played with her hair while she started to cry. "Davy, I'm scared," she said through the tears. "Scared of what honey," I asked her. She took a few sharp breaths as she started to cry harder. "I'm scared........that......." she started to stammer over her words as cried harder. "Shhhhhhhhhhh.........Angel take your time. I'm right here and I'm not leaving." I told her as she gripped me tighter. "Honey, I'm right here." I repeated as she started to cough. "Shhhhhh...." I kept saying over and over trying to get her to calm down. Her grip around me got tighter if that was even possible. "Honey, I'm right here." I told her. "That is the point." she replied through the tears. "What is the point?" "I'm scared....that......" she stammered over words and then she said a lot louder. "I'm scared that you will leave me!" "Honey," was all I could say as the words cut through me like a knife.

"I'm not going anywhere and I'm not going to leave you." I said as my voice cracked. "But I am scared." she said as I asked her. "Why are you scared I'm going to leave?" At first, she didn't answer me but just held on. Then she said, "I'm just scared." "Angel, look at me honey." I said as I had her sit up. I looked her in the eyes as I told her, "Angel, listen to me, okay?" She nodded as I continued, "I am not going to leave you. I'm not going to walk out on you." I then held up her hand with her wedding rings and showed them to her. "See these, your wedding rings. I married you because I love you and that I want to spend the rest of my life with you. I will not walk on you or leave you ever." I told her as my voice cracked. She held my hand tightly as she laid her head back on chest as I held her close to me. With tears in my eyes, I held my wife hoping that this fear would leave. After about an hour I felt Angel relax as I looked down to see that she had fallen asleep. I sat there for about another hour holding Angel while she was sleeping. Once I knew that she was sound asleep, I laid her on the bed before I got up. It was not easy because she didn't want to let go.

I turned out the light before I walked out of the room. I went to the kitchen to clean up the dishes when my phone started to ring. I took it out of my pocket to see that Jennifer was calling me. I picked it and said, "Hello." "Hello son, how are you doing?" "I'm doing well mom and how are you?" "I'm good, I was just calling to make sure all went well today with you bringing Angel home." "It was okay, she is resting now." "David, I can hear in your voice that something is wrong. Are you sure that all went well?" I let out a sigh, leaned against the counter and ran a hand in my hair. "Mom, Angel is so scared that I'm going to leave, and it is breaking my heart." "Son, I'm sorry to hear that but remember with what she has been through it is normal for her to think that you might leave." I know mom but....." "But what son?" I took another deep breath before I told her, "Mom, she is reliving what happened at 16 not what happened the past week." I heard mom take a deep breath as she told me, "Honey, she never really got over it and this brought it all back up. As hard as it might be, let her relive it so she can get over it." "I know mom, I already told her that she needs to relive it and face it to move on, but I have never seen so much fear in her before and that scares me." "Yes, that would be scary but remember that fear she is dealing with is from when she was 16. She is very strong and with your help I know she will make it out." "Thanks mom, I really appreciate it." "Anytime, if you need us, you know that we are a call away." "Yes, and thanks again, mom. I'll call if we need you. I love you." "I love you too, have a great night."

I then hung up the phone as I let out a sigh. Relive it, face it, hard time and the fact that she needs to get over this fear. I was so frustrated and heard broken that I didn't know what to think. I then cleaned the dishes then turned off the lights as I headed back to the bedroom. I saw that Angel was still sleeping in the same potion when I left her. I got changed and then laid in the bed with her. I laid there just watching her sleep before her breathing helped me fall asleep.