You can't Outrun the Truth

I Don't Relax

The following weeks after the Man City loss I was true to my word. I had left for the SheBelieves Cup with the US, but my hyper-analyzing of the keepers had remained. I would stay late after training when I could, firing shots into the goal until my legs got too tired. When we had ice baths I would read over my notes while talking with the girls.

In the first game against Japan, I went on as a sub in the 80th minute for Alex. I had a couple of shots in the last few minutes of the game, but nothing to solidify the 2-1 lead. To make it worse, Japan managed to grab the equalizer in the first minute of stoppage time. 

That night, I was sitting in the room I was sharing with Christen texting Jill. Christen had left, presumably going to see Tobin, so I was alone in the room. We talked about the games we had today, she went up against Spain with the Netherlands and lost 2-0, and about random things like what show we're watching on Netflix. When Christen finally came back I had stopped talking to Jill and was studying England's keepers: Karen Bardsley, Mary Earps, and Carly Telford.

"That's enough L," Christen says confiscating my computer. "Christen! I need to be ready for the next match!" I protest. "I've seen your notebook L. You've watched everything you can find on all of the keepers in this competition. You're getting in your head because of the penalty."

"That's not what is happening," I say. "It is. Do you know how I know? I did the same thing after I missed the penalty in 2016. It's not healthy or productive. So, in the morning, we are going to meditate and relax, and not think of anything British. Sound good?" Christen asks. "Sure, fine. But tonight I'm focusing on the British."

Danielle van de Donk's POV

Since we were with our national teams, Jill, Viv, and I were with the Netherlands team. Which finally gave me a chance to talk to Jackie about London. I convinced her to go on a walk with me after dinner the first night so I could bring it up without anyone else hearing.

"I need to talk to you about London," I say once we've left the hotel. "About what? Is she okay?" Jackie asks worriedly. "She's upset with herself for missing the penalty against Manchester City. She's been watching films of other keepers ever since and obsessively takes notes and looks over them. It's a good habit, in moderation, it's become all she does when she's home. She stays after training and just practices penalty shots." Jackie slows her steps and I wait for her to process the new information. 

"I figured something was off with her. She takes imperfection as a personal insult. That she isn't good enough. She wasn't raised well, and no matter what you tell her she has the mindset that was engraved in her as a child. She's been ignoring me ever since that match. She shuts people out, doesn't matter who you are to her. If something is bothering her, good luck knowing what. If she's struggling you'll be the last to know and the first to go. She hates emotions but is the one who needs to express them the most so they don't stay bottled up. London is the kind of person you can't help being drawn to, but she hates the spotlight. She'll listen to everyone vent and drown in her problems. I can call her later, she probably won't answer but I can try." Now it's my turn to process everything new I've learned about the young forward. 

"She talked about her childhood with Jill a bit. Jill told us some of it but Beth and I haven't pried."

"What do you know?" She asks. "Someone in her life was just a bad person, probably shouldn't have been around kids, might have hurt her. Jill just said the basics."

"Keep an eye on her for me? I'm the easiest person for her to ignore. She knows I won't leave her and that I can't just go to London whenever." 

"Of course Jackie. I won't let anything happen to her."

London Adair's POV

"London wake up," Someone was shaking me. "Stop," I mutter. "Nope. Wake up L." Oh, it's Christen. I slowly open my eyes and can barely make out Christen in the dark room. "It's still dark out," I say. "Good observation, we're going to see the sunrise and do yoga, then meditate."

"Right." I get dressed in leggings and a t-shirt with a sweatshirt and put my hair in a ponytail. I follow Christen out of the hotel and down the street to an empty field. She sets out two mats on the grass and sits down. I sit on the other mat and wait for her instruction. She starts guiding me through the different yoga poses as the sun comes up, it's relaxing which is annoying because it makes Chris right. I let out a deep breath and take in the beautiful sky. It's light pink and orange closer to the sun with a more purple color the farther up you go in the sky. 

"It's gorgeous isn't it?" Christen asks. "Yeah, it's beautiful," I reply not looking away from the sky. "Close your eyes London," Christen begins. "Take a deep breath in, and out. Remember what the sky looks like. The different colors blend together and illuminate the trees. Breath in, and out. Empty your mind of everything else, just the pink, the orange, the blue, the purple. In, and out. This is your anchor, London. A moment of complete peace and relaxation. Just you, me, the animals, and the sunrise. Now, what's bothering you?"

"What?" I ask confused. "Why are you upset? What happened that made you upset?" She clarifies. "The penalty, missing it and letting my team down."

"How does that memory make you feel?" 

"Mad, angry, disappointed, take your pick," I scoff. "Good. Now that memory, that moment of unhappiness is a cloud in the sky. Visualize it. Now breath in through your nose, and blow out through your mouth. Blow the cloud away London."

"You can't blow clouds away Chris."
"You can in your mind. Blow the cloud away London." I breath in and see the cloud in my mind I let the air out and imagine the cloud drifting through the sky out of my line of sight. We sit in silence for a minute or so longer and I just keep making all my thoughts and blowing them away. 

This was a quick chapter to right because I found it very relatable for me. It was a good way to give you all more insight to London's personality and why she responds to things the way she does, as well as letting me write my feelings lol. I hope you all have a good week and thank you for all the nice comments! Love you all!