The Last Breath | YoonMin

24

Home.

Once a place I loved, a place of warmth and happiness.

A place that has been broken and mend all in one lifetime.

And a place that will be broken once again at the end of another.

Now, home just seemed like four walls and a roof. Cold and dull.
Some happy family pictures trying to bring some joy onto the plain gray walls.

Is this how it'll be after I'm gone?

Will joy find it's way back into the life of the ones I leave behind?

Will home ever feel like home again?

I thought being home would do me some good. But if all, it feels suffocating. Like the constant pressure on my chest has doubled in weight.

I know what I came here to do.
Maybe that's why I feel like this. Like this really is the only way out.
Like all I came here to do is die.

I fiddle with my blanket in between my fingers. The fabric feels soft, not like the overly washed ones I had at the hospital.
It feels comforting, in some way maybe even safe.
And in another it makes me miss what had been before.

The constant beeping of machines, the lingering smell of hand sanitizer. The overly lit corridors and the nurses running from room to room because they are always short on staff.

It wasn't home, but everything made it feel like it.

When you leave the hospital in remission, meaning you are cancer free, all the nurses that work in oncology line up to cheer and wave you goodbye.

But when you leave because you are simply given up they'll  do the same. Only then they will stand in line to say their goodbyes in dead silence.

Maybe it's a sign of respect? Sympathy even?

I never understood why they did it. It's a sweet gesture, sure. But I don't think they fully understand what it feels like for the ones leaving.
The only thing I could image in that moment, was if this is what it's like when I die and i get carried out.

" ...ure you're okay?"

I snap out of my thoughts and look at my little brother sitting at the end of my bed. He looks worried, and I plant a smile on my face to make him feel a little better.

" I'm okay.. just a little lost in thought." I softly speak. " Thank you for remaking my bed for me. It needed cleaning after Jungkook spilled his energy drink on it yesterday."

" Don't you mind sleeping downstairs?" He asks and I shake my head in response.
" I'd love to sleep in my own room again, but I can't handle walking the stairs any.."

" you're bleeding." He speaks up and runs away only to come back with an towel. He's calm, but I see the distress on his face as I take out my cannula and push the towel against my nose.

"It's fine buddy." I mumble, and I ruffle his hair with my free hand. " would you mind cleaning this for me? Just some warm water will do."

I let myself slowly fall back on my bed, and I feel my head pound, and my muscles ache. I let out a sigh. I'm exhausted. The past few days at home have been tiresome.

Jungkook and Taehyung came by yesterday, and god did I miss them. It was hard at first, especially for Jungkook. I could tell it scared him when he saw me for the first time, and then I could tell how he tried to hide it the moment it showed.

I don't blame them, I understand it's just as hard for them too.

I love my friends being here. I need them here.
But having them here means I need a day or two to strengthen myself a bit. But it's okay, they are worth every ounce of energy I have left.

By now my nose has stopped bleeding. And I reach out to grab my clean cannula from Jihyun's hand, when he drops it and sprints into the hallway.

I manage to catch it and put it on as soon as i can, and I feel the cold air tickle the insides of my nose.

I hear Jihyun talking in the hallway. And I let my hand fall as I close my eyes, waiting for him to come back inside.

But it stays awfully quiet.

As I listen again I can hear Jihyun walking into the living no room behind me. " Who was it?" I ask, and wait for an answer which never comes.

Irritated, I let out a sigh and open my eyes.

And if you told me god above had sent an angel to come see me. I would believe you without a single doubt.

Suddenly the air felt thin, and the world came to a quick halt. I felt it stop, even if it were just for a mere second.

" Damn Park, you look like you've seen a ghost."

And believe me when I say.

If in this moment right here, my heart decided to stop beating.

I would die a happy man.