The Last Breath | YoonMin

10.

'' Mom stooop!~''

'' But Jimin! You've never been in love before, this is huge!''

'' No mom it's not. It's terrible.'' I whine pushing my face into the pillow.

'' What are you talking about? It's gre-''

'' No mom! Its NOT!'' I shoot up.

She looks at me with shocked eyes before her look softens, as she probably notices the oncoming tears in mine before I push my head back into the pillow.

'' Honey, what's wrong? Talk to me please..'' She softly starts rubbing my back, waiting for my answer, which doesn't come. '' Jimin.. Why is this such a terrible thing? Being in love should be the opposite of terrible.''

As I turn my head, seeing her worried look. I try to ignore the feeling of tears running down my face while debating hard on the next words I'm going to say.

Because I've known I'm dying for a pretty long period, I've always talked about being ready to die, about not being scared at all, and about already having said my goodbyes to everyone. I have everything ready, my funeral, all of it. I'm prepared for everything.

Everything.

Except Min Yoongi.

And right now, just the mere thought of Min Yoongi pulls me back from leaving, Min Yoongi brings back that little spark of fear. Because now, I'm in love, a love that I will keep to myself until die.

I've told Yoongi before, no living person will date a dying one. The truth is, no dying person will date a living one. Love is a different kind of goodbye.

We don't date to try and spare the person we are leaving behind, we selfishly try to spare ourself. Safe ourselves from falling in love deeper and deeper to the point it makes leaving impossible. Safe ourselves from undergoing more painful treatments, making you feel worse by the day, just to stay that little while longer. Being in love is like dying before actually dying. Being in love is one big painful process of dying.

I sit myself straight, facing her and gently taking hold of her hand. '' I don't want to love him mom.. I don't want to fall in love and hurt myself because I don't want to leave him behind while knowing he never loved me that way.'' I sniffle. '' The thought scares me..''

'' Honey.. I know I don't know this boy in person, while you've known him for about a month now. But, and believe me when I say this, when you tell me how he talks and acts towards you. It seems like he does have some feelings for you. I'm not telling you it's love, but I can tell they're strong..."

"Jimin, we don't know when our time with you will run out.. I know things can turn around in a second, and I know everything will keep going downhill.'' She breaths out. '' But it's been like that from the start. Your life the past year has been one big gamble. You have lived every day as it is, playing with the cards your were given, asking for it or not. This, this is just another card in the deck. So just play it, lay it out in the open for everyone to see, don't keep it to yourself, knowing you'll lose the game in the end either way.'' She gently brushes the tears of my cheeks. '' I wan't you to know what love is, Jimin.. You deserve it.''

--

Mom and I talked for a while after that. And even though it goes against every bone in my body, I've come to the conclusion I can't control who I love, but I can control how I act on those feelings. And for now, I've decided to just let things go as they come, and letting go of that control and doubt I'm holding onto. If something comes out of it, I will give it my all. And if nothing happens, then I will die knowing I never held back on anything. Which sounds like a reasonable outcome either way.