Spread to my lymph nodes is what the doctor told me.
Right now, we've past the point of being able to contain the cancer in my lungs. The last chemo didn't work, and now the cancer has spread further into my lungs and the first cells have made it to my lymphs. It sort of explains the way I was feeling the last week, maybe I should've known it. I mean, it was just one big wait for this to happen. I've been 'okay' for way longer then anyone expected. But now, knowing this, it feels like a bigger pill to swallow then I expected it to be. Maybe because now I know I'm going to notice getting sicker every day, maybe because I have to make the decision to stop with chemo and medication, only to receive a more aggressive form of both.
Or maybe the thought of leaving him scares me.
Since I've been using my concentrator more the past week, probably the result of the cancer spreading and making it harder to breath on my own, the doctors advised me to start using the concentrator everyday, or at least as much as possible. Also something I knew was coming.. So with that, I just thank the doctor and bid him goodbye before hugging my crying mom, for now ignoring my brother who just barged out off the room.
After my mom calmed down a bit, I take my trolley and walk into the hallway, where I find my brother sitting in a chair. His elbows on his knees, hands in his hair. I take a seat beside him and place my hand on his back, trying to explain to him this doesn't have to mean I'll be dead in a week or a month. It just means the process will speed up, may I decide to quit taking chemo medication, no one knows how much time it will take before mine is up. But I know I'm not ready to go. I didn't do everything I wanted yet, there are still a few things on my list.
And mark my words. I am not leaving this earth before I've done everything I wanted to.
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I've kept this chapter short because I felt this is a good point to end it. The next ones will be longer i promise!
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