The Last Breath | YoonMin

23

It was unbearable.
Not my sickness, the heartache.
I can't imagine anything more painful then this.

By now even the thought of dying sounds more peacefull.

It left me up all night beacause i couldn't sleep due to night terrors. My mother has been with me 24/7 the past two weeks, waking me up when the terrors left me screaming in fear. Drying my tears,which felt like never ending waterfalls. Changing my bedsheets when they would be soaked in blood in the middle of the night.

Saying i was barerly coping was an understatement. I felt lost, broken. Everything i had been fighting so hard for not to feel. It came crashing down om me. Like the universe lost it grip on the sky and let it plummet down to earth, and the only thing i could do was watch it crush me as my body couldn't bear the weight.

Please.. Don't get me wrong. I know what i called upon myself when i made the choice that i did. I'm trying to handle it. I just... don't know how long i can keep trying.

I look at my mom, she's sleeping on the couch. The room is dark. And i can only imagine how sore her body must feel after weeks without a normal bed.

I offered her mine, but she keeps refusing no matter how many times I insist. I feel awful doing this to her. I hear her cry at night sometimes, when she thinks i'm asleep, and i breaks my heart.

In the beginning she tried to convince me to talk to Yoongi, saying i couldn't do this to him. It was unfair after all he has done.
Believe me, i know. But keeping him close would hurt us both even more.
He would have to see me slowly fade away into nothing but a shell of the person i once was.

The person he once loved.

He stopped calling after a week. That week he left me voicemails crying, messages as long as chapters in books, with his heart pouring out of his chest. There was nothing but hurt and sadness in them.

And god.. Did it hurt, seeing him hurt.

But what hurted even more, was hurting without him. And I couldn't help thinking he must feel that way too. At least I hope he does.

Just so I know I'm not all alone again.

" Did you have another nightmare?" My mom suddenly speaks up, and I can see her rub her eyes trying to get them used to the dark.

" No, just can't sleep." I mumble, and I wonder if she heard me above the humming of my oxygen machine.

I notice her sit up. " You can go back to sleep." I speak a little louder as I slowly drop my bare feet on the cold hospital floor, blindly feeling for my slippers. " I'm going to get some tea. I'll be back in a second."

As I stumble through the dimly lit corridors, I find myself needing to hold the handrails to walk steadily. It's a harsh reminder of how much my body deteriorated in de past weeks. I feel like my body is choosing to give up, even though my mind isn't close to being ready.

As I walk around the corner and into the coffee room my eye falls on ball of raven curls. I grab the doorframe as i feel the blood drain from my face, and I close my eyes to prevent myself from panicking.

Though, the moment I open them, there is nothing but darkness. The only source of light being the coffee machine across the room. I can hear my breath shake as I let it out, and I catch myself trying to hold back tears.

I sit down, drops of boiling water spilling down the side of the cup as my shaking hand struggles to hold it.

But in that moment all I can feel is cold.

A blizzard so cold, not even the warmest fire could survive it's grasp.

—
This sucks..