The Last Breath | YoonMin

26

" I want all sorts of colours, everything."

I flip open my sketchbook to point at some flowers I drew back at the hospital.

" What are they called?" Jihyung mumbles, squinting his eyes at the drawing Yoongi is holding up.

" Gladiolus. And make sure you get daffodils, lots of them. For Jinae."

I look at Yoongi and see a soft smile on his face.

You are probably wondering about Jinae right?

Don't worry, she is doing absolutely amazing.
We just.. decided to keep her away for the final part, just to shelter her from this hurt.

My finger trails the pencil lines resembling a rose that's engraved in the thick paper. Following every petal and every thorn.

I flip the pages forward to a drawing a did a few days ago. It's unfinished, the lines aren't strong and it's wobbly. Above it I wrote the words " white clover."

I've always found them strange little things. Not the flower, the leaves. I never understood why people look at them for luck. Clovers aren't designed to have four leaves you know? There is nothing special about them. They're simply a mistake in evolution.

The flower however, I've always admired the meaning of. I like how they are both sad and loving at the same time, how they connect with both the giver and the given.

" These too."

" I think we have had enough for today." My mother says while she pulls the notes Jihyung made from his hands.

" How about a bath? It's been a few days.." She intently softly speaks the last part of her sentence.

I nod my head, closing my sketchbook and putting it to the side. With some help from my mom and Yoongi I get off the bed and slowly make my way to the stairs.

Five steps of stairs without my oxygen makes me feel like my lungs are collapsing. My bones ache and my head starts pounding immediately.

I reach out my hand for Yoongi, who is waiting for me at the top of the stairs and watch him step down, and together with my mom help me up the stairs.

I take a seat on the edge of the bathtub and stop Yoongi as he is about to walk into the bathroom.

" Please wait downstairs.." I croak. " Mom will help me.."

He didn't say anything. He just nodded and left. But I could see the hurt in his eyes.
He always offers to help me get dressed or washed, but I send him away repeatedly.

I know he used to help me before. But now.. I'm half the person I was, physically. My frail body is just hidden by oversized clothing. And I just can't bear making him see what this illness has done to me.

As the bathtub becomes fuller and fuller, my mom slowly takes off my sweater and hands me my cannula's that are connected to a oxygen machine upstairs. I put them in as I watch her take of my socks, and motions for me to stand so she can take of my sweatpants.

I take a quick glance at myself in the bathroom mirror, and feel a lump in my throat. I this lighting I can count all my ribs from a distance, my collarbones look like they will brake if someone touches them. And when I turn myself around to step into the tub, I notice my spine looking like it's gonna poke through my skin.

My once athletic body is gone, even the little bit of weight I gained eating bad shit with Yoongi all the time dissapeared.

My body is eating itself alive.

It's dying to stay alive.

Holding my moms hand, I take a seat into the hot water. I look at my mom, who crouches in front of the tub and leans her arms on the edge. And in this moment, all I can do is cry and all I feel is this intense hurt.

" It's okay baby." She soothes me. " I know you are hurting, but I'm so so proud of you." Her voice is calm and easing.

I can see tears brimming her eyes and I want to tell her it's okay to cry, that I know she is hurting too, how proud I am of her.

This woman is about to bury her child. She will have to live the rest of her life knowing that she did. And I would do anything to take that pain away from her.

Away from all of them.

I would give Jihyung back his older brother, who would be there throughout all his big moments. Who would be his best man as he marries the woman of his dreams.

I would give Jungkook back his best friend, who would always have his back when he gets in over his head. Who would still call him to senses even when we both get way to old to be acting like children.

I would give Yoongi the world and more. Give him the life he deserves. Be there for him and fight everything together, only to come out stronger every time. I would stay with him for eternity. I would never leave him out of my sight again.

I want so much more. So much more than what I've been given.

It's devastatingly unfair.

It has been since the moment I walked into that coffee room.