Regretful desire (Editing)

Chapter 20

The whole weekend I stayed in my room. Curled up in a ball, on a chair, facing my window.

I kept thinking what I was going to do when it came time for school. I would have to see him. Sit next to him. How could I manage all of this when I told him I didn't want to see him again.

Tears came out of my eyes, my head hid itself between my legs. This couldn't be happening. It had to be a mistake.

Nevertheless, I couldn't bring myself to regret any of this at all. Not one day passed by where my mind replayed the occurrence. The scariest part of all, was that my heart went out of control every time I remembered.

I wanted to scream. Hide. Lose my memory. Forget about it all.

Chills surrounded my body. The holes under my eyes were darker than ever, I could feel my stomach screaming for food but once they would come into contact it all came right back up.

The opening of the front door alarmed me. I quickly got up, trying to clean myself as best as possible. My mother didn't know anything, and it wasn't in my plans to let her know. God, I'd die of embarrassment.

"Carolina? Sweetie...?"

I cleaned my wet face with a towel.

"Yeah?" I cried, almost with all my forces.

I gently folded the towel back in place as I took a deep breath. My mom then came into my room, making me jump a little as I gave her my back, pretending I was busy doing something.

"Hey! I brought you your favorite pie from the bakery down the street"

"Thanks mom. That's..cool.." I replied as I still had my back to her. For some reason it made it harder to keep my tears inside.

"Honey, I know something is wrong with you. And I'd really like to know"

As my fingers are still entertained with the towel, I let out a small giggle. Trying to enrich my mood.

"Its just personal things mom. It will all get situated." I said. Her hands then rested on my shoulders. She then turned my face around slowly as she looked me in the eyes. Oh what a motherly power. Weakness and weakness started to pile up. I could feel that tingly sensation in your throat when trying not to cry.

"I'm not forcing you to tell me, but I just want you to know that I've had more experience than you. And I can possibly give you the best advice you need." She walked me over to my bed as she told me this. We were then both seated. I looked down at my hands, as they collided with each other. I felt my eyes already watery, and in that moment I knew I couldn't hide it any longer.

"Oh mom...its so embarrassing. I don't want you to have that thought of me.."

"Sweetie I'm your mother, no matter how embarrassing the situation is, I'm no one to judge. Now, tell me." I felt the tears run down through my face like prisoners who had escaped prison.

"Friday night at the dance...Nathan and I kissed. I feel terrible..."

"Why? Do you think you did bad or..?"

"No mom! Clarissa is in love with him! She dies to be with him and I kissed him! I kissed him. She has done nothing but been sweet to me and I do this to her? What kind of friend am I?" I buried my head in her chest as I cried my life out. Her hand carefully brushing through my hair.

"Oh honey I'm so sorry..."

"The worst part is that I couldn't help feeling attracted to him. The kiss. Just him, mom I like him. But this isn't supposed to happen. I can't like my best friends crush." My gaze stayed down on a careless spot on the floor. Her hand continued to play with my hair. We stayed like that for a moment, in silence.

"What did Nathan say about this?"

"That's the worst part" I said, with a cold voice.

"Why is that?" She said, so soft and gentle, almost like if she was talking to a little toddler.

"...He told me he loves me" at that moment she quickly got up and stared deep into my eyes.

"And you're here crying? But why Caroline ?"

"Mom..! I just told you, Clarissa likes him and shes-

"She likes him, but does he?" She spoke as she sat back down.

"No but that doesn't matter! You still-

"Are they currently dating?" She questions as she gives the mommy look. I knew where she was going with this and I didn't want her taking this any further.

"Not yet" I said, as I stood up and began gathering my stuff for school tomorrow.

"Huh, that's weird then. Because last time I checked the girl AND the guy need to love each other to date. I guess technology and changes have advanced so much that now they date while one of them likes someone else. How funny." I rolled my eyes and covered my face with my hands.

"Mom you trying to make this funny isn't making it any better, okay?" I replied as I turned to her in serious mode and then looked away.

"Honey, I'm not being funny or sarcastic- . I quickly turned to look at her at the instant she said that.

"Okay maybe a little but listen to me. I understand that you feel terrible because you kissed the guy that Clarissa loves and everything but you have to think about yourself too. You like him too, and just because she likes him doesn't mean you have to give up your happiness. He loves you, not her. And if she really was your friend she would understand that. Now what did she she say about this?"

"Oh god mom no she doesn't know any of this" I said, as I wiped the tears remaining on my face.

"Carolina.."

"Look mom, I really appreciate your words and being here for me. Really. But none of this justifies what I did. I still made a mistake despite everything. I betrayed my best friend and its illegal and just a terrible crime. I know you obviously don't see it that way but it is. I just..I just want to be alone now, if you don't mind.." It hurt to me tell her all of this, but it just had to come out that way. I know she didn't see it the way I did. Yes I like Nathan, yes he likes me but it just can't be. Nathan is simply off limits for me.

She kissed my forehead and walked out of my room. I covered my face, trying to process that in less than 12 hours I would be in school, next to Nathan. And I still had no idea what I was going to do.
My eyes then fell on a picture hanging on the wall. It was Clarissa and I. I looked away, feeling still ashamed. But what ashamed me the most, was the fact that my mothers words were still roaming through my head. As if it was telling me to accept the fact that she was right.

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Omg its been like...almost a year? Maybe even more than that! /.\ I'm very truly extremely sorry for the delay, and honestly at one point I was thinking of deleting this story because its just so mixed up that yeah...anyways..let me me know down below what you think
↓↓ Who do you think is right? Carolina or her mother?

Until next time!

-Mony