Moments I'll Never Confess

December

December was always a stressful time for me. With the holidays coming around and finals from the Fall semester consuming my life, I've hardly had time to breathe. My major was mathematics, and I was set to graduate come Spring. The goal was to become a teacher and I was studying hard to make sure I was going to land the career I wanted. But to say I didn't have a distraction would be an understatement.

Emily Dickinson. I've known her for a few years now—we met in an elective class our freshman year and we've been pretty close ever since. We go to parties together, the coffee shop, shopping, out to dinner, study together, and the list goes on. We basically do everything together. I'd say that we were closer than most friends—especially over the past year. We didn't really have a label, but we were definitely more than just friends.

I tapped my pencil against the table that I was sitting at in the back corner of the library. I loved this spot in here because it was always the most quiet and deserted spot—the corner just dimly lit enough to see my studies on the table without straining my eyes from sitting here for hours. I had been stuck on the equation from my study guide for ten minutes now and I was beginning to grow frustrated. I knew this stuff like the back of my hand, but all of this studying was becoming exhausting.

I put my pencil down and sighed as I looked at my phone for the time. It was pushing 9 P.M. and I'd probably be here another hour or more if I was going to get through this entire packet. I was about to focus back on the equation I was working on until a voice caught my attention.

"Hi Susie," The voice said quietly. I looked up and saw Emily standing at the end of the table, a stack of books under her arm. She looked at the seat next to me and smirked, "Is this seat taken?"

I chuckled quietly and moved my stuff out of the way, "It is now." I said, patting the seat next to me.

Emily nodded and sat down, putting her books down in front of her. She was an English major and was also studying like crazy for finals. But to her, I was also a distraction. The fact of the matter was that we could never really stay away from each other for long. These days I would even wonder what Emily was doing when she wasn't with me, and I know she was wondering the same about me.

Emily leaned her elbow on the table and rested her hand on her cheek, turning toward me, "Studying hard? I knew I'd find you here."

"You know me like the back of your hand, don't you?" I flirted, nudging her slightly.

She looked attractive as she always did—she was wearing mom jeans, white high-top sneakers, and a big forest green fisherman sweater. Her long brown hair was hanging down on her shoulders and back and I wanted so bad to run my fingers through it like I had many times before.

She nodded, "I'd say better than the back of my hand," She whispered, winking before standing back up again. She walked toward the bookshelf by our table—the bookshelf that blocked our view from everyone and the main library. She eyed me for a moment as she glided her fingers across the spines of a few books.

I knew that look... she wanted me to come over to her. We liked to play this game between us—especially in the library. I couldn't really describe the hold we had on each other. We started out as good friends and remained that way for a couple of years, but then somehow things changed. There was a tension that started becoming apparent between us. I found myself imagining scenarios between us that weren't very, well, friend 'friendly'.

I got out of my chair and walked up next to her. I licked my lips and leaned against the bookshelf and stared at her as she continued to pretend to scan the titles of the books on the shelf in front of her. She inhaled sharply and finally focused her attention on me, her hands finding my waist. She gave me a squeeze as she pulled me in closer.