Philophobia | Shin Soukoku (slow updates)

20.

At the end of the day, Akutagawa was looking around for Atsushi and following Higuchi's instruction to talk to him–which seemed to have dire consequences according to her if not followed.

But the white-haired boy didn't seem to show up amongst the crowd of students and Akutagawa was growing tired of looking around.

Maybe I should go? He began to think before hearing that familiar sweet tone talking behind him.

Akutagawa turned around and saw Atsushi talking to a dark-haired girl he had seen the week before. Her name was Kyōka, wasn't it? She looked to be listening intently to whatever it was that Atsushi was saying, a small smile on her lips.

The dark-haired boy felt something tighten in his chest.

This is what he was afraid of. What if Atsushi liked girls and him confessing was just some stupid spur of the moment? But him not even trying would bother him more.

Besides, Akutagawa can't just assume that every girl walking with Atsushi was a potential crush. The thoughts alone would kill him.

He took in a deep breath and walked towards them, meeting the two friends halfway.

“Akutagawa?” Atsushi asked with a small frown. “Why are you still here? I thought you left with Higuchi.”

Akutagawa glanced at the younger girl, who seemed to be waiting for something to happen between the two of them. “I told her to go ahead because,” he gripped tightly onto the strap of his bag, “I wanted to know if I could walk you home?”

Atsushi pursed his lips as he blushed.

“Um...” Kyōka rolled her eyes and nudged him a bit, the white-haired boy almost bumping into Akutagawa's chest. “Y-Yeah, sure. You can.”

The older boy blushed, not expecting Atsushi to agree.

Akutagawa waited as Atsushi said goodbye to Kyōka before the two of them left school together. Kyōka was still watching them as they walked past the other students and didn't notice when Gin stood beside her.

“Are they already gone?” She asked with a frown.

“Yeah, they are,” the smaller girl humming in reply.

Gin sighed heavily. “Were they being cute at least?”

Kyōka smiled. “Really cute.”

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Why the hell is this so awkward?! Atsushi thought with sheer panic, his eyes glued to the ground.

He wanted to bring up the topic from the morning, he really did, but it seemed as if Akutagawa was having the same problem. The silence from the dark-haired boy was beginning to become uncomfortable.

Atsushi looked up slowly, glancing at the boy who had a thoughtful expression on his face. The white-haired boy became curious about what he could possibly be thinking so hard about.

Atsushi huffed softly. “Akutagawa, I—”

“Before you say anything,” he let out a shaky breath, “you should know that I meant what I said this morning. I did want a reason to see you again because I think I like you.”

Atsushi's eyes widened in surprise, a light blush on his cheeks. “How can you like me when we barely know anything about each other?” He inquired softly.

Akutagawa's face twisted into an expression that the white-haired boy couldn't read. “It's because you're always so nice to everyone even when you don't need to be–including me. It's because of the way you blush when you get embarrassed and I can't help but find it so cute. It's because seeing you smile is becoming my new favourite thing and my least favourite is seeing you upset. And because...” he hesitated a bit before continuing, “...because I think that you're so pretty.”

The words were said with so much confidence that Atsushi felt his heart swell with each sentence, a happy blush blooming from his neck. He still wasn't sure if he liked Akutagawa but he couldn't help feeling glad that the older boy liked him.

Yet, he was still worried about other things.

Would Akutagawa still like him after he found about his past? The past where he was constantly scared and tormented by his own thoughts? The past where he constantly seemed to be fighting for a reason to live? The past before Fukuzawa that was filled with—

“I get that you can't help feeling like that but it's different for me,” Atsushi explained to Akutagawa who was listening expectantly as he spoke. “I want to get to know you–for us to know each other–before I even decide how I feel. Is that okay with you?”

Akutagawa thought about it before nodding slowly and said, “Then, is it okay for me to keep liking you until you're sure?”

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this fic 🤝 akutagawa
making him have feelings first