Lockdown

I'm dumb

PARI POV 

" Pari. Pari Tripathi. Father is Pramod Tripathi, owner of PST constructions. Mother is Kirti Tripathi, doctor. I have two siblings. One twin brother, Pranav and a younger sister, Prachi. Originally from Pune. I have done a BA from NID Ahemdabad. Settled in Mumbai ever since college ended. I don't remember how long exactly," I'm dumb! I just told him everything about my family!
" BA? What is that?" Why did I even expect a science geek to know what that even meant?!
" Bachelors in Arts," I remember that I had stared at him for the longest time before I opened my mouth but he just looked so damn genuine with his friendship request...
" Arts? So what... You sell paintings?"
" Obviously not. I'm not a fucking genius when it comes to drawing! I've just done interior designing," I glared at him for a little time before I groaned and kept my head on my pillows. Whom was I even expecting to know anything about Arts?! That dude who fancies everything about computers?!
" So, you design houses?"
" Interior of houses. But it's a fucked up and boring job," I just rolled my eyes and turned my eyes to look back at the fucked up ceiling that I painted. Again. Flaws. That's all I could ever see in my work. Flaws. It was just all full of flaws. Nothing I ever do is right or perfect. It just can't be...
" Yeah. But you just got fired, right. Besides, what do you even like to do if it is not designing houses," Liked doing? Well... I once had a dream. I once hoped that I would be best at job. I once wanted to do everything to achieve something... All till my dream just broke right in front of my eyes and I couldn't even do anything. I just, lost it all after that. My will to do anything or be anything. I am happy in my life the way it is now... I am happy as a loser woman till I can survive on my own. I am happy in my small shell of a house that keeps me away from the outside world. It's harsh out there and I am still a naive kid from the inside. I cannot face it, not with my wings broken and nothing to protect me.

" Hey..." I didn't even notice when I began tearing up. I only remembered that I was with someone when he kept a hand over my shoulder softly. That immediately brought me out of my bubble of sadness.
" Nothing. I like to do nothing. I like to sit in a place, watch things and just do nothing in my life,"
" But don't you have a goal in your life?"
" Do I need to have one? Or am I not allowed to live my life either just because I have nothing planned out for me?" I turned to look at him with a questioning face because I seriously wanted an answer to that question. I guess it was the fact that I was drunk a little or I wouldn't have been that outspoken about my feelings with him but honestly, I wanted to have that talk with someone for sometime now. Maybe the fact that he was a stranger and wasn't going to judge me gave me more courage to be open.
" Because it's funny. Some dreams just don't come true and then the people loose hope that they will ever have anything good in life. I am currently at the worst point in my life and this point has been there since the day I have been born. Some people just don't get better. They have to deal with it and I have dealt with it. I'm happy doing nothing. Once this pandemic ends, I'll go out, apply in another company, do some mediocre job for the rest of my life and just, be nameless. But I'm happy, trust me. There is nothing," I couldn't continue because by that point, I broke into tears once again
" Nothing better,"
" Hush. It's ok," and he tried to comfort me by pulling me close to him and hugging me. He rubbed my back and said comforting things to me but my tears just didn't stop. He made me feel like he was my dad that night. Like my dad would always get me out of mumma's abuse whenever he found out that a hand was raised at me at home. Like my dad would always hug me at nights as I cried to him and asked him why she hated me so much and didn't hate the others. He made me really feel safe in his arms, so, I cried to him. I clutched his shirt and cried deeply.

I didn't know this guy. All I knew were the superficial things he told me. I didn't know whom he loved and whom he hated. I didn't even know why he was comforting me that night. But he let me borrow his shoulder for that one night and I was grateful. I had kept that thing inside me for years now. I hadn't told anyone. Not my parents, not the "therapists" they sent me to, not my siblings, not my friends. No one. But my conscience told me to trust him and I just went by my gut feeling.

I didn't know when I fell asleep that night but when I woke up, I was tucked in my bed and he wasn't there. My clothes were intact and I didn't remember him doing anything inappropriate. I felt ashamed to have cried to man I barely knew anything about. But somehow, I also felt calm and peaceful and light that morning. Like, a huge burden had been lifted off my shoulders... I felt at peace with myself and for once I didn't feel the need to call my sister and cuss at her all I wanted. Instead, I felt like showering, something that I hadn't done in a long time. So, I went to take a long warm shower after which, I received coffee and the next day just, went by peacefully with Sohit telling how much he and his Appa fought over the tiniest things. He made me laugh as I helped him cook that day and I don't think that anyone had ever done that. He managed to completely distract me from the last night's incident and himself didn't bring it up to be sensitive to me... I don't know. I started liking that old dude that very day.