The Will To

T H I R T Y - S I X (jumping heart)

"Wait, wait, wait, what's happening?"

Dressed in a breezy cream sweater tucked into a floral skirt that hit her mid calf, Nola reached for her winter jacket on the wall rack and turned to me.

"Nothing. Just seeing when you're gonna be home. You know, being a good friend and watching out for my bestie," I said unconvincingly from the couch.

Nola's winged liner made her eyes look sharp as she squinted at me. "Is someone coming over while I'm out, Will?"

I blew a puff of air and avoided eye contact, textbook examples of lying that were rather embarrassing for someone who had extensive knowledge on psychology. "No. I've got a date with The Bourne Identity series. Just want to make sure we won't be interrupted. Go. Have fun saving the whales with your sisters."

She didn't budge. "I'm not going to the sorority."

"I thought you were doing a volunteer thing to spice up your resume. Where are you going then?"

Crossing her arms, Nola said, "I'll tell you if you tell me who's coming over."

Shaking my head, I leaned into the couch and grabbed the remote. "It's just me and Jason Bourne, Nol. That's it."

Skeptically, Nola raised an eyebrow. I offered her a shrug as if she was reading too much into things, causing her to sigh. "I'm going on a date."

"A date?" I repeated, stunned. "You don't go on dates. With who?"

She waited expectantly and when I didn't provide her with any further details of what my plans were once she left, she finally grabbed her coat, slipped into it, and said, "Have fun with Rey," on her way out of the door.

I tossed the remote aside and grinned to myself, immediately feeling a wave of excitement. Rey would be here soon. He would be in my apartment soon. We'd be alone in my apartment soon. Who could think of Jason Bourne with that reality? Though, I reminded myself that he was coming over so that we could talk—about our kiss.

Again, I thought of kissing Rey, losing sense of everything else.

Standing to my feet, I made myself focus. He was coming over so that we could talk about what the kiss meant and, possibly, where to go from here. The notion made me uncertain. Rey may not feel as strongly for me as I thought, and maybe he wouldn't want to move forward with me. I'd never been in a relationship before and knew less about them than I knew about throwing shurikens. Not that I expected Rey and I to start a relationship. I wasn't sure what I was expecting, but if I was honest with myself, I did hope that Rey wanted something in the forward direction. For now, my only expectation was that I'd get to kiss him again.

Once more, I lost focus and sunk into the memory of us wrapped together inside the studio.

Like the intrusive, ugly thing it was, the pit of my stomach dropped and reminded me of what lived there. It was still there. Bumping into Reid had stirred it. My plan for so long had been to seduce Reid in order to get revenge, but it seemed to have lost its sheen in recent weeks. It was no longer a driving force. Envisioning spending time with Rey was, however. I liked being around him, and I didn't think he'd be exactly cool if he found out I was plotting to sleep with Reid.

Beside that point, however, was an important one that I needed to admit to myself: I didn't want to sleep with Reid.

It wasn't appealing anymore, and though I was still angry—angry at what Reid stood for in my mind—being with Rey held the promise of what I'd been adamant that my plan wasn't geared at obtaining: feeling good. Rey made me feel good. He made me feel safe. He made me feel funny and pretty and worthy, and I didn't want to give that up.