The Will To

F O R T Y - O N E (the black wolf mask)

WARNING: this chapter contains vivid descriptions of sexual attacks and stalking. Though not explicit, some of the content may be sensitive for some readers.

xxx

The world dissolved. I was suffocating.

No air. No feeling. Not even panic.

The nothingness enclosed my throat, my chest, my everything. I couldn't move. I couldn't even breathe. Nothing. I was nothing but a paralyzed body inside the clutches of the man wearing the wolf mask.

But something stirred in the pit of my stomach.

I'd felt it before—just as intense—where it had since lived.

Now it was back, and as the man gripped tighter around my neck and arms, I was hurtled into the past. It was like I was falling through time, unable to stop from landing in the very moment which had resulted in an unhealed wound. Reliving it would make the damage irreparable, but I couldn't feel anything. How could I fight my way back when I felt nothing?

His hold strengthened, and the gasp that escaped my mouth was caught by his hand. Everything about me was contained. I was a prisoner, and I felt nothing.

I thought of the night sky. Devoid of everything. Except stars. The stars that reminded me of my brokenness. They'd never offered me comfort or something to wish on. I slipped away into the dark night, blending with it until I was indistinguishable. That was what my darkness wanted. It was what it had wanted all along.

But those punctures in the fabric of night still lingered. They always would, and I finally saw them for what they were.

Strong.

They were strong to endure never-ending nothingness and not collapse in on themselves. They were a reminder of what it meant to exist while carrying the burden of what had created them.

Heavy, hot breaths filled my ear. My skin crawled.

His hands pulled me tighter. My throat and ribs ached.

His clean, clinical scent wafted over me. My stomach roiled.

My senses were returning, cutting through the nothingness. The stirring in my stomach grew, extending to places that were void. Once the feeling was restored, I was grounded and I felt everything.

Panic. Alarm. Disgust. Fear. Anger.

The man's breathing was labored as he held me from behind, my back pressed against his body. It felt like I was going to be swallowed by him, like I wasn't even a person anymore. I clung to what rushed through me—focused like I'd never before felt the feelings, like they'd keep me from disappearing.

I needed to fight back.

Squirming, I attempted to slam my foot into his, but the man adjusted his stance and disabled the attempt with his legs, which now blockaded my own.

"There she is," he mumbled darkly.

Shivers erupted up my spine.

Clicking his tongue, the man said into my ear, "You had more fight in you last time."

The world wanted to dissolve again. My vision tunneled until I saw only the reflection of the man and me in the darkened window across the room. The man I saw was the same from two years ago. He wore all black. I looked like I was being smothered by darkness. I couldn't let it consume me. I needed to stand strong and focus.

"Let me go!" I yelled, the words muffled by his hand.

He laughed again. "You got something to say, do you?"