The Will To

T H I R T Y - N I N E (alone)

Rey wasn't in Criminal Psychology the following day. I'd looked for him everywhere, scanning the class of students like he was hiding amongst them. Or that he'd suddenly walk through the door.

I'd missed Higgins' lecture, but it was for an entirely different reason than the last time. Instead of being too distracted by Rey's close proximity, I was too distracted by Rey's absence. The lecture didn't penetrate my ears because I was focused entirely on searching for something that I knew wasn't there.

Thoughts of the previous night circulated through my head and made me dizzy, sick. Much like I had with the revolving suspicion that Reid was the campus rapist, my mind spun in circles as I lay restless in bed, wrapping me tightly in a terrible notion.

I'd been planning to sleep with Reid, and now Rey knew.

Worse yet, he didn't have the context and could fill in the missing pieces as he so desired. It made me nauseous, and my aching head wasn't soothed by the fact that I could simply explain everything to him. The entire story would only cause more wrinkles. How could Rey possibly understand my motivations for seducing and sleeping with Reid?

I knew how I must appear to him now, like the very image of the girl that campus had already painted.

I was on an iceberg. I'd been delusional to think I'd escaped it. I'd never left, and it was time I accepted that it was where I belonged.

People flurried around me, prompting me to realize that class had been dismissed. Mindlessly shoving my belongings into my backpack, I hiked down the aisle stairs and strode past Reid's desk. He was focused on his laptop, looking as he normally did: detached and dressed in dark clothes. It made me angry.

Despite everything—Nola's accusations, Rey's discovery, my own shame—I still believed the conclusion I'd arrived at yesterday. Reid was the rapist. It made sense, and since everything good had been chased away by my black hole anyway, maybe it was time I let it take over. Maybe it was time I gave it what it wanted.

Still, edging by Reid made me feel panicked, like I was entangled in weeds and had to pull myself away in order to escape the lecture hall. Without granting him a second glance, I entered the hallway and pressed my back against the wall, closing my eyes.

My darkness wanted me to sink deeper. It wanted me to submerge myself into everything it fed on. It wanted me to use it as a powersource to claim what I desired: revenge. But, still, I hadn't been able to face Reid when walking past him. Something had pulled me from him, something that my darkness didn't like.

"Hey."

I snapped my eyes open.

"You good?"

Reid was standing beside me, his dark features inquisitive. They appealed to something inside of me, grasping for what roiled in my stomach. I tensed, some part of me wanting to evade but his eyes kept hold of what they'd managed to grab.

"Fine."

Reid shifted his weight. "Hey, so, I was wondering. Let me... let me make up our weird dinner to you. You know, at Zaatar's. I'm not an asshole, and I want to prove it to you."

I stared at him.

"I'm actually not a terrible cook either. Come over Saturday. I'll cook us some dinner."

"Don't you live in the frat?"

"No," he said. "I have an apartment."

That was news to me. How did I not know he had an apartment? I'd just assumed he lived in his frat. The wheels in my head continued to spin.