The Will To

F O R T Y - T H R E E (clammy with a chance)

My hands were clammy as I waited. Cold and sweaty and gross. Feeling clammy was foreign to me—my hands were consistently cool, calm, and collected. They never resembled anything slimy that dwelled in the ocean. Frowning, I lifted my hands. They disgusted me.

Dropping my head, I groaned loudly. I was distracting myself on purpose, and it wasn't doing me any favors.

While my clammy hands may have been foreign, the nerves weren't: they'd appeared before when Rey and I were alone. That thought made it hard to breathe because I knew what needed to happen. I had to tell Rey the truth. He'd find out everything about me—the terrible secret I'd kept about my plan with Reid—and I didn't know what he'd think. He'd heard a brief outline of it nearly a week ago and, unsurprisingly, left the scene; however, I needed to explain everything now, and his response was unpredictable. I couldn't control it, but Rey deserved to know the truth. About everything.

A round of knocks rapped on my door.

Blinking to escape my thoughts, I propped myself higher along the pillows and fiddled with my hair, wishing that I hadn't, because now I knew how crazy it was.

"Come in!" I called, annoyed that I hadn't said something beforehand to clear the nerves cracking my voice.

The door opened and I held my breath. Isobel, a nurse with full cheeks and eyes that matched her teal scrubs, poked her head inside.

"Hey, Willa," she greeted. "I've got someone who wants to visit you for a bit. Rey Lahiri. Just making sure you're up for it."

"Yeah. Yep. Send him in. STAT."

I rolled my eyes at myself.

Isobel grinned. "Okay. He's all yours."

Swallowing a rock in my throat, I took another breath as I heard Rey exchange a cordial farewell with Isobel, who opened the door to let him inside. It shut after he entered, locking us into a familiar feeling. It was just the two of us inside a room. My nerves caught fire, like they always did when we were alone. I smoothed my hair again with my clammy hands.

Rey froze by the door. The morning light showered him. His skin looked warm. With deep and searching eyes he watched me, pulling at something that I hadn't realized lived inside of me.

"Will, I'm so—"

"—Hi."

Rey paused. "Hi."

Biting my cheek, I twisted my nose ring and said, "I'm sorry."

Rey furrowed his brow. "What are you sorry for?"

"For all of..." I dropped my eyes and stated firmly, "For everything I'm about to tell you."

Rey's shoulders eased but he didn't move. He studied me, and I wondered if he could see it all, everything that made me ashamed of myself. He'd heard a snippet of my plan with Reid, enough to realize that he'd been dating someone who was capable of planning to sleep with a person for sheer revenge.

But I hadn't known Rey when I'd forged the plan. He wasn't a factor, and had I realized my feelings for him before then, I liked to believe my plan would have fizzled far sooner, or better yet, maybe it would never have existed. Except, that wasn't reality. Reality stood in front of me, and I needed to come clean to Rey if I hoped to move forward. I didn't know how everything would play out, but I wanted Rey to see this part of me—I needed him to. He'd seen everything else.

"I did have a plan to sleep with Reid," I said quietly.

"Will, you don't—"

"No, let me say this." I closed my eyes and released the words. "I made this plan to sleep with Reid because I thought it was going to be the only way that I could get revenge on what happened to me—when I was attacked."