The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen

Entry #1

Tonight, it dawned on me when I first decided I liked him. To say it was a terrible time in my life would be an understatement. I was lost- still am in many ways, but, at that time, it seemed like I just didn't know or remember who I was anymore. He had no idea of how he'd managed to remind me of what it felt like to be happy. Perhaps happy isn't the correct word, but either way, I liked what I felt. Unknowingly, that particular circumstance gave gave a little more fuel to carry on. I'm surprised that despite always reliving that night from time to time, I'd never connected it to our relationship. Never acknowledged that time as one of those things that made him my choice.
It was a night after something church-related, perhaps a social event, or just a service. It was quite late, and I remember waiting for someone in order to leave and so was he. We'd never really interacted before. I'd made sure that I was distant with my peers. I had my reasons then, and even now. He was the quiet type, once he was uncomfortable, and I have never been good at conversation at all so I didn't start one with him. We sat in silence just waiting.
I don't remember who spoke first, but knowing myself, I'd place my bets on him. Either way, I found him to be intriguing. Not only that, but we shared a lot in common, yet we're as diverse as fire is to water. We shared a similar type of sense of humour, morbid and dark. I'd never met someone who I could easily crack my morbid jokes and still be comfortable with. We had so much relatable things to discuss. It was one of the few times I had a long conversation with someone without thinking of an excuse to end it, timing it, or just flat out wondering when it would end.
I said it before, but it was a truly horrific time of my life. My mental state was so bad that I'd grown numb to certain things. For instance, prior to my state of mind at that time, I laughed a lot. I'm not kidding when i say a lot, back then, I could've laughed for two hours, even forgetting the joke and still laughing. Laughter had become quite foreign to me. It sounded false to my own ears often. But his comical monologue had me gasping for air. I laughed genuinely for the first time in almost an entire year, perhaps more.
I think what made that night unforgettable, was the fact that it felt like he understood that I wasn't a very talkative person. I didn't exactly need to fill in the blanks that appeared randomly in our long conversation, and if I did, I didn't feel uncomfortable with it. We were both awkward, and that was hilarious to us both. I'd never relived a singular conversation more than the one we had that night. I didn't feel like I had to censor my true opinion of the things we discussed as I usually did when interacting with others. It was the most awkward but wonderful conversation I'd had with anyone, for ages.
I walked home that night feeling the lightest I'd ever felt in a while my mood which was quite foul had done a couple one-eighty. It was the first time I'd experienced such a thing, and I wanted it to happen again and again, but we never really spoke like that again. Just Just glances, and tiny moments of eye contact which were broken because I was terrified of eye contact. It's like I guessed that he already knew how to read me and didn't want to know what he could see. I later found out what he saw, most of which I'd rather keep hidden, but he was just that perceptive. Maybe what we have won't last forever, but I sure hope it will, and I know everything's not gonna be a fairytale, already experienced that. I'm willing to stick it through.
~Jedi.
12/8/2020

◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇◇
Hello!
An update, it's been two years since I wrote this. I'm glad I did. Unfortunately I'm not longer with that person, but that was the best relationship I've had, dare I say so far. We've both decided that it was best, sometimes you just have to take different paths.
This person was my friend first, and still is, just with newer boundaries and all that jazz.
I've learnt that it is okay to let go of someone you love or like, especially if you look further down the path and realize that you're not walking it with them. I miss it, but I think, since then, I've learnt to be as gentle with myself as he was.
Maybe I'll write about it when I feel inclined to. The song attached is one of the first songs I shared with him (our music tastes differed a lot), it kind of became a bit of our song. I don't listen to it very much now, but i still love what it represented.
See you next entry!
~Jedi❤