While washing dishes today, my mind ran wild. The way it usually does. Thinking its ownn things even if I didn't want to think about anything.
But today it remembered something I went through. A memory that I didn't really forget but pretended that I did.
The memory isn't the point here. It's the way I struggled to breathe in that little pocket of time. It's the way my chest started to hurt, and feel like there was something heavy on it. It's the tears that stung my eyes. I hate it all. Because there wasn't any reason for me to remember that so vividly. With so much detail as to make myself cry. There wasn't a trigger, but I was triggered anyway.
As usual, I tell myself that I'm okay. Myself knows it's a lie, and so I don't believe my own words. But I say them over and over anyway. Maybe I'm hoping that if said enough, it will be true. I tell myself I'm okay, and I continue to wash there dishes in the sink. But it's harder to breathe. And another mantra starts up in my head.
"I don't want to be here."
And I say that over
And over
And over.
The tears that burn my eyes, make me so angry. Because there's nothing i hate more than the possibility of crying, being close to crying, or just actually crying. For me it's another weakness to get rid of. If i could never cry again, it wouldn't be enough. In my tired and overthinking mind I keep asking why.
Why did that have to happen? Why me? Why did I have to remember it?
And for the duration of that chore, I'm just trapped in an endless cycle of almost breaking down, to composing myself and getting angry.
But this kind of routine is perfectly normal for me. I shouldn't be surprised when I randomly remember a memory that I really couldn't forget at all. I definitely shouldn't cry for it. The emotion should be easier to deal with. You get better with repetition right?
I remember being exhausted after fact. I couldn't stand without feeling like I was tapping on energy reserves that weren't there.
And then I slept. A deep, out of it sleep. Not the kind I usually have, but the kind that makes people wonder if you're comatose.
I kept thinking how funny it was. That I did all that while acting okay. I did it all alone.
I should be okay with that, I mean, I've always done these things alone. So like everything else, I tell myself, that Its okay, that I'm okay and there's no need for my eyes to sting. But sometimes, my own voice gets drowned out. Sometimes I can't can't but think, what if there was someone to tell me that? Maybe it would be true then. Maybe their voice won't get drowned out.
But that's just Maybe.
It won't happen, and I won't lay my burdens on anyone.
So tonight, like all the other hard nights, outwardly, I'm just there. With my usual blank face and dull eyes, saying nothing.
Inwardly?
I'm rocking back and forth. I'm breathing hard, and crying against my will. And I'm saying that stupid mantra over and over.
You're okay.
You're okay.
You're okay.
12:04am
4/4/2022
~Jedi❤❤
♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧♧
Hello,
It's been a while. I hope everyone's doing okay.
I have no idea what kind of entry this is, sometimes it's poetic, but sometimes it just kinda falls into a regular entry.
Oh well.
I don't have much to say on this one. Maybe I will sometine in the future, that's with the hope that I get better😅.
Have a great day/night
~Jedi❤❤
YOU ARE READING
The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
Non-FictionThis is exactly as the title says. I wanted to use my experiences as a way of helping myself and other people. In the times where I felt alone, it was always nice to read or hear or someone sharing their similar experiences and how they moved throu...
