TRIGGER WARNING: THIS TALKS ABOUT DELIBERATE STARVATION, SUICIDE, AND SELF-HARM,IF IT MAY BE A TRIGGER TO THOSE WITH EATING DISORDERS OR RECOVERING PLEASE SKIP.
I DID WARN YOU!
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It was a moment I'm unable to forget. It no longer plagues my mind the way it did before, but that doesn't mean I stopped thinking about it. 'It' here being the event of the first time I completely broke down at my reflection in a mirror. I was shocked, and sickened. I was completely disgusted with myself and my self-hatred grew that day, as did my depression.
I have always been insecure, especially about my body. My body to me was one of, if jot the worst aspect about me. I hated it the most, and held a lot of shame just to call it mine. I have always been overweight. It's not that within the weight I had I didn't have much 'proper' feminine features. I had curves, even at a very young age, and i Still do. But I hated them for the proportions they came in- and I still struggle with that hate.
Teasing and just outright bullying led to some drastic decisions. Contrary to what some people thought, I did exercise regularly. I had an entire routine. But losing weight in the way and quantity I wanted was just not possible. I had a hormone imbalance (still do) which affected even the regularity of my period, that made losing weight even more of a challenging task. I was a proper teenager then, desperate to feel confident in myself. So I tried something new.
It honestly started as a habit. I had exams around the same time my self-esteem plunged further, and with the schedule I had, forgetting to eat became a new normal. I went several days at a time without lunch or dinner. Breakfast was a meal I have never missed, even to this date. With the stress of that particular exam and my own turbulent mind, I didn't relaize the path I was on at first. But then I did realize. I saw that my arms looked thinner, and the slimmer parts of my body (I'm pear-shaped), looked slimmer yet. Those were the first things I noticed. I guess I unconsciously went with the 'results' I saw.
That habit of 'forgetting to eat' stayed with me as I entered high-school, and by that time it was no longer a habit. It was my lifestyle. I was still overweight, in my eyes and by the numbers on the scale. That didn't mean my body got proper nutrition at all. I was getting sicker, as my mental health waned further. My diet was mostly breakfast items, and some snacks. But i was overweight (still am), and so continued knowingly.
During my third year of high school, evidence showed itself. I began to lose weight at an alarming rate. It cause concerns from my mother who had gotten into the habit of shoving food down my throat as a counter attack to my self destruction. A classmate asked me what I was doing and I remember pausing. Do I tell her the truth or just half of it? I told her I just exercised. It was concerning to anyone who was paying attention. By then though, I'd already attempted suicide, and self-harmed.
I was ready to die.
That day is quite fresh in my mind. For some reason movable mirror had faced my bed. It was something I never did, the thought of sleeping while a mirror faced my bed was creepy. This time that mirror faced the bed. And when my reflection fleeced across the mirror while I stretched across my bed to reach something, I did a double take. I looked so ill. My ribs had begun to print out on my side, and so did my collar bone. The sight made me weak and so sad. I remember lying on the bed, feeling broken and drawing in tears.
After my little cry, I simply got back to whatever I was doing. That image haunted me. I wondered just how self destructive I'd become. I asked myself why I was born the way I was, blamed myself for the excess weight. The sad thing is, even after that image, I still didn't want to eat. Somewhere in my messed up mind, registered that reflection as proof of success.
~Jedi
3/11/2020
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Heyo,
Being very real and honest, the time I wrote this, and the time now, are not too different. I have days where I starve, though I would call it fasting. I have days where I'd eat a lot of food then have to fight to keep it down. I have normal days too. But the truth is, my relationship with food is like a love hate thing?
Just with some more hate than love I guess.
I'm struggling, from since that time, I have gained a lot more weight than I'd like. That makes it harder really.
Some days are better than others, but I'm surviving.
I'll be okay.
Or something like that.
Anyways,
See you next entry!
~Jedi❤❤
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The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
Non-FictionThis is exactly as the title says. I wanted to use my experiences as a way of helping myself and other people. In the times where I felt alone, it was always nice to read or hear or someone sharing their similar experiences and how they moved throu...
