There are times I wonder, if I'm to ever have something so trivial as friends. It's quite gruelling actually, to make friends in the first place. I have to first speak to that person, or reply to them when they speak to me, which in itself alone is quite a large task. It's not laziness, but rather avoidance. I'd prefer to avoid the traumatic experience of reaching out to a person by first speaking to them. My mouth would open to say something, but nothing comes out. Chest aches, and constricted throat, the feeling of despair over the fact that once again I'd failed to approach someone I was first drawn to.
Through all the first trauma it takes to make a friend, it never seemed to be worth it in the end. Honestly, I think that's the most upsetting part about it. The time taken to build things like trust or whatever for it to be broken in the end will never be recovered, it's lost forever, and that's just as bad as it gets. Friendship doesn't seem to be worth it anymore, especially after it becomes one sided, one-sided and damaging to your mental and emotional health. When someone switches on you, just like that, it affects you, especially if all the people you considered friends just did. It hurts even more when they make the whole thing to be a result of you just never being enough.
I'm quite tired of putting in efforts into relationships that are just bad for my health honestly. It's It's pain that I no longer want to feel familiar with anymore, Imagine beingbognored by that supposed friend for months, over nothing. When it's brought up as a subject, Imagine how it feels for the argument to end with the same conclusion, that giving the best you can afford to give is not enough. That you're not enough. Imagine that line "you're not enough, your friendship with me is unimportant, you mean little to nothing to me," being the bottom line of all arguments. Now imagine that being the bottom line for all the meaningful friendships you've ever had. A bit painful isn't it? It has been me my entire life. Friendships are painful and I want none of them.
I once tried exp=easing my frustration to someone, well a few. But they draw the same conclusion basically. It's like skip the part where I've had my personality shattered over and over, right to the part where all my faults and insecurities are laid there exposed and naked. "Maybe you did something wrong, get over it, move on, it's not a big deal," are things I hear all the time. The thing is? All I've ever been doing is working on my flaws,going as far as trying to cut them out. It's very hard, no, not hard, it's killing me, suffocating, to have people who constantly fault you for being closed off, but dismiss the things that have carved or stabbed your heart, damage the way the way you view yourself, as insignificant.
I think that people think that I view myself as perfect, when I ask them for once, hear me, help me, instead of just blaming me, or throwing my flaws at my face to fix. It's not so, however, I acknowledge my flaws, to the point where they plague my mind, I know more than anyone else how perfect I'm not. I just want to do normal things without stopping because I realize that I'm alone. At least, that's what I used to want. Now all I want is to be left without being criticised for jot having companions or friends, 'cause friendships with the are useless, they mean nothing and I have nothing to offer anymore. I'm left empty.
I get called selfish these days, because I stopped checking in with people. I stopped being there whenever it's convenient for them to remember my existence. I started to learn to put myself first, it's a slow process because it's hard to do when you learnt that others always mattered first. I stopped putting in effort into friendships that are damaging to me. I figured if it's a good friendship, I won't feel like I'm invisible. Generally, I'm not interested in gaining new friends, at least not anymore, and I gave up on fighting for the old ones I had. Friendship takes more than I have to give.
~Jedi
14/8/2020
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Hi there,
Just a update, based on the last part of this entry, I really did begin to focus on doing things for me, and not because a friendship required it. And my complete shutting down towards the towards the idea of friendship, was a defense mechanism, an unhealthy one, and one that I still find myself using from time to time. That being said, I learnt that an aspect or characteristic that someone doesn't like about is not necessarily a flaw. You don't have flaws just because they say so, you have flaws because you're human above all else. That's what I'm learning. I'm pinpointing the things that are actual flaws, the things I could fix, but not for any of my friends or 'friends'. For me. To be a better person, someone I can be proud of.
Though I'll never like face-to-face interactions, or cannot be sociable for very long, I now have friends who are pretty understanding. And they are not draining. I've grown to the point of having pen-pals and being comfortable it. I would have never done that before, ever.
I'm very proud that I was able to make the decision to cut off those who were draining me. If I'm trying to not drain myself, then no one should be able to.
See you next entry,
~Jedi❤
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The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
Non-FictionThis is exactly as the title says. I wanted to use my experiences as a way of helping myself and other people. In the times where I felt alone, it was always nice to read or hear or someone sharing their similar experiences and how they moved throu...
