WARNING: This entry mentions suicide and/suicide ideation, as well as self harm. If this may be a trigger for you please skip to the next entry, or just read the foot note I usually leave at the bottom❤️.
You have been warned.
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I've learnt that decidedly staying alive when your mind wishes the opposite is an active thing. It's nit something that just works out on its own after a while, or a decisions that can just be laid to rest after being made. I cannot ever let my guard down when it comes to this. Being caught off guard means that before I know it, I've already attempted once again.
I have to be mindful, continuously, about the things that surround me. Anything I can use to slice my skin cannot remain either my room It's best to keep them out of my sight, and I ensure to never know where the carving blades or anything other than kitchen items are. Naturally, moving around my house, once I accidentally find something that gives me the impulse to harm myself, without realizing I memorise where I found it. I document the location and stash it to the back of my mind. I have to make a conscious and forceful effort to forget it, and even then it takes a while.
I know and understand that my penchant for suicide and self-harm makes me a danger to myself. I also understand that if I'm working on surviving, staying alive despite my internal struggle, I need to be on my guard. I have to constantly take active precautions, and protect myself....from myself. I can't stay slack, and end up in a relapse. The average room isn't a room for me, and hasn't been for a while. Anywhere and anything could be a weapon I wield against myself. In a moment of weakness, I would find every single thing capable of causing me harm and I would use it.
Sometimes I feel like I'm in a cage. It's hard to tell what's responsible or who is for this cage (probably myself). But walking into my room can feel like taking step onto a minefield, especially at my lowest point. I make a point not to dig up when I'm particularly depressed, because what if I forgot something somewhere within my belongings? What if without realising, I picked up a blade, or a pill bottle and tucked it away? I dknt know all my triggers, but I can try to remove myself from anything that sets me back. Because I acknowledge that despite wanting to live, the part of me wanting to die still exists, and claws at my insides, always watching for a moment of weakness.
It's not just with blades, and pills tjat I guard myself against. It's checking calories, deliberately not going on certain types of diets, and staying away from spaces that endorse any of these things. Because I fear that without realising, I'll get obsessed with counting, and I'll start starving in earnest. I haven't eliminated the mindset that would lead me to it, but I am trying. I'm not yet strong enough to say I've overcome these things. I'm not strong enough to be in the presence of the things that I used to further self-destruct and remain standing. I'll get there, I intend to. But I'm not there, not yet....not today.
Jedi♡
27/4/2023
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Hi,
I remember cleaning up my room by moving around some boxes and stuff and finding a brand new container of the same kind of pills I first overdosed on. I made a mental note to remove it without thinking about it, I was just thinking of all the times I've taken in an influx of these wuth the intention of dying, and that I didn't want it near during my next depressive episode. Only then it struck me that surviving was an active and continuous thing, and I admit it was an overwhelming realisation. I briefly wondered if I'll be at this state for my entire life. But I then focused on the regret of being in such a state of mind.
I recognise that there is so much more to this fight. Things I didn't consider of think about. And internally I have a fight over whether or not staying alive is worth it.
But, I see signs of progress. I see signs of moving ahead, I'm seeing healing slowly but surely. I'm afraid of succumbing at some point, but I figured in healing there are things like relapses, because we're human right?
I haven't found a reason to stay....but I am looking for it, actively. And if that means moving away to protect myself then it's what I will have to do.
I know I'm not alone in trying to stay alive, in trying to live. That's a lot of comfort on its own really. I wish for anyone to understand that they may not be as alone as they thought.
You're still here, you have the upper hand, even if it's just for today. I believe in focusing on surviving today, this moment, not tomorrow, or next week. If I could just get myself to breathe and live through this moment, it will be okay.
We're alive today and that's all that matters.
See you next entry.
❤️Jedi
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The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
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