I'm not always ready for.the trust that people grant me with. In fact I'm never ever ready for it. It comes as a shock every single time. Perhaps.its because I don't have that much faith in myself. Often people would just confide their secrets in me, and though I ve never done anything to betray that trust, I keep asking myself, 'what if I did?', whether it's by accident or otherwise. I take extreme care and caution to not ever break a person's trust. I'm afraid that somehow that would be a point of no return.
It baffles me, the concept of trust. A lot of people trust me with their insecurities and concerns, but I can safely say that I don't trust in anyone, not completely, never with everything. There's a lot within me that rejects the idea of being that vulnerable. I am honored though, when someone chooses to trust in me, because I do value loyalty. There are so many individuals who have done me wrong, forgetting the trust they placed in me. I willingly choose to keep that vulnerable part of them safe, even when we're not on good terms, not as insurance, but as a rule not to break, and a reminder of exactly why trust isn't.sometuing I practice. The concept as an application is foreign to me, because I.dont trust anyone mot.to.judge me as I am.
For majority of my life even now, I've maintained a particular distance in all relationships. Even those close to me.arent as close as they would be in an average close relationship. Perhaps that's my way of maintaining safety of my internal self or perhaps there's just a part of me that remains detached at all times
It's not that I don't love any of my family members, or even my best friend. It's that the love is a distant and mild feeling. Abstract at best. I care, that is something I can say without hesitation.
If anyone asks who I'm closest to I'm unable to answer. If they ask my closest family member, that's unknown too. See, I would say I relate to my.kother and communicate more easily with her that I would with my father. My closeness with others is solely based on how much I care about them in relation to the general population, and how I communicate with them in relation to the people I associate with.
It's easy to detach from my family or anyone I would consider close really. Sometimes I look at those I know.and care about and feel empty. Sometimes I feel a morbid sense of acknowledgement of wondering when they would die, or err enough for me to detach from them. There's part of me that knows even when someone is gone, I will be okay, and will adjust. I'm not sure what made things this way. Often I feel as if I'm a stranger amongst familiar strangers. Like among all the people I've met, and care for, I do not belong.
I'm fully aware that my family doesn't know me in the way they probably should, however, I'm not inclined to change that. It is awkward, as though it would be if I were attempting to converse with a complete stranger, trying to dins common ground that doesn't exist.
I know I love people. I know the way in which I show it is not conventional and probably does not translate as it should. I also beluve that love is the bare minimum. A lot of people would argue on that but it is my view, based kn my experiences. Love isn't the thing that keeps an already established relationship together. It isn't what provides the needs that are required to be met. It's a base line at best, and in some cases it's not even there. This is why I do not stress on the mildness of emotion or "love" as its called that I experience in relation to my family or friends, or romantic interests. Because while I agree its important, I somehow don't view it as enough or adequate enough to be a defining factor.
I suppose in comparison to the visceral reactions to emotion within relationships I've seen, I would be considered mild. Sometimes I can just see how disappointed people are in my lack of response (emotionally). Sometimes I feel guilty, and other times I'm frustrated. Because having such reactions to these things are not in me. Before I thought to myself that I was unfeeling and numb, and now I understand that I feel things differently and respond as such. It's frustrating that I have to fabricate a 'reactions to please or placate. I know the way I process isn't normal, I know the way I internalise all things and leave nothing readable in my expression isn't normal, and probably unhealthy. I believe, though that 'normal reactions, are merely a socially constructed myth and not a necessity to convey emotion, and does not denote unfeeling.
♡Jedi
12:00pm
20/4/2023
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Hiyoo
I hope today made out to be a good one for anyone reading this.
It's a bit rainy here and I'm worried how I'm gonna find myself home but it's all good!
Whenever I say the simple statement "love isn't enough", a lot of the lovers would argue, and look at me like I've said something blasphemous. It is, however, something I firmly believe. Love is strong and it works wonders for our world, but for someone like me, I feel like I feel so much other things more intensely than I've ever felt love. I acknowledge its importance in our world and in our daily functions and interactions with each other, but I think other things are forgotten.
I've seen so much relationships fall apart, while love still remained. I don't believe that love could ever be enough to go on with anything.
Perhaps I'm not using my heart in this, and going what's logical for me (you would find I can make anything sound logical to myself even if the logic is flawed), however in my experience this is what I stand on and firmly believe in.
Perhaps it's why I feel a distance with everyone, but eh.
Anyways, that's all for my random babbling.
See you next entry!
☆Jedi❤️
YOU ARE READING
The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
Non-FictionThis is exactly as the title says. I wanted to use my experiences as a way of helping myself and other people. In the times where I felt alone, it was always nice to read or hear or someone sharing their similar experiences and how they moved throu...
