Remember that vow of silence? The one I was contemplating? I think that in my own way, I've been silent. I realized it recently. I rarely speak unless spoken to. Of course there are moments that I'm comfortable to speak. In these cases I speak. But tue conversations tend to fill into awkwardness, especially when it seems like there is nothing else to be said.
I used to be am average user of things like WhatsApp. In that time I was much better at conversing. I mean generally, my social skills ranged from 'mostly sucky' to just 'sucky'. There were times I'd randomly stutter or just make horrible noises when I had no idea what to say. It wasnt like that on social media. I've always preferred writing or typing what I had to say. I was fluent, my words mostly conveyed what I had to say. And I held conversations as long as they lasted. It's not that way now. I honestly contemplated deleting all my socials.
I'm comfortable now, with having little to no forms of relations/interactions/communication with people in anyway. I used to feel guilty if I took too long to reply, or entering a room without conversing with someone after I greet them. I used to beat up myself over it, and profusely apologise. But now, conversations in any format or platform are just one of those things that are present, but not mandatory. I go days, or weeks without responding to anyone. And in all honestly, the people who live with and around me are never sure if I'm home. I almost never go outside without necessity. I just see interactions as more inconveniences. In a way, I've become a ghost in my own right.
I once expressed concern to someone. That I should at least crave interaction at least a few times or so. They didn't know what to say. You see, it has been noticeable to those why notice. By all means, I have always been 100% introverted. I'm notnthe kind of person who willingly comes out of my 'shell'. However, I didn't isolate unless I was struggling emotionally or needed to recharge my social batteries. Now, I isolate, emotional struggle or not. If I'm in a crowd, best believe I will ignore it. I dissociate during conversations more often now. Always been the kind to do that, but it never showed unless I was well known by the person/people. To the people who know me, I've become silent. Barely there, and yet, I'm comfortable.
It gets harder and harder to keep up with socialisation. My social skills are barely there now. I forget the people that I speak to especially when I just pick up a book to read (something I do everywhere, and anytime regardless of where or what event I am). It's so bad it's taken a toll on my relationship. Yet I feel no inclination to change everything. It's fine if I go a whole day or two without saying a single word. Just because I didn't feel like it.
When the though of a 'vow of silence' crossed my mind, I had no idea that I'd act on it without knowing. I didn't know I'd add some twists to it. But it's fine. I know it's probably not okay. But I'm perfectly okay with being this kind of ghost.
~Jedi
30/7/2021
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Hi,
Yes this was an entry written when COVID was at its worst, at least in my country. That being said, this wasn't about everyone losing touch during quarantine or whatever.
This was about my not wanting to get back that human interaction touch thing.
I'm still in this state, BUT, I did manage to make friends between last year and this year. I'd call it progress, if I didn't have to reassure them that I'm not dead every so often😅😅.
The point is, I'm trying, my closest friends are pretty aggressive enough to tear me a new asshole for not remembering to check in with them. And even though most are online, they're pretty great. And plus I've got a friend in person that literally would drag me to her house, or come to mine if she realizes I'm just being an antisocial idiot.
I appreciate them ❤❤. They remind me to keep in touch with reality every so often.
By the way, does anyone ever get annoyed just because someone remembered their existence enough to actually call their name? I could literally be staring at my wall, and still get pissed when someone calls my name cause they interrupted. Like why are you remembering I exist today?
My mom hates my tone of answering, but I literally don't even realize that it's there.
Maybe she's just being a parent and hearing disrespect in my mind🥲🥲.
Somedays I literally just say, "pretend I'm not existing today", or that I'm identifying as a crisis and not to speak to me.
Doesn't work all the time, but it's worth trying.
Anways,
See you next entry,
~Jedi❤❤
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The Sporadic Journal of a Quiet Teen
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