from me to you. → kth | ✓

34.

chapter thirty-four: starting over

SOMETIMES, I WISH that simply stating no or any other exclamatory sentence at an inanimate object will get it to work, or better yet, heed your desire.

That's exactly how I feel right now after crying my eyes out and wailing 'No' for what felt like hours on end after seeing that double line.

I'll admit that it's my own fault. I should've believed the doctor from the get-go. Excessive morning sickness, abdominal pain, cravings and mood swings definitely aren't normal, even after all that's happened.

It's been two months since I agreed to get back with Mark. Two months since I last saw Taehyung.

I made up my mind after the first passing month. He most likely skipped town with the notebook under his arms, la-da-da-ing the whole journey. But now, it's approaching the Christmas season and there isn't even a whisper that utters his name.

It's like he's been wiped off the face of this Earth.

I know one thing for certain. I refuse to believe that he could be dead. It just doesn't make sense. Yes, they started the whole shoot-out thanks to him in the first place, but it doesn't mean they got him. Mark would tell me.

Or would he?

I twiddle my wedding ring around my finger. It's unfortunately not the one I received first. A week or two after the incident, Mark forced me out of the house so we could pick out a replacement. He despises Taehyung and wouldn't want a single memoir of him in either of our heads.

Lucky for him, there's going to be a physical one. Only, it will live, respire, eat, play, cry and laugh. The reality of it is starting to dawn upon me.

What's this weird feeling in my chest? Like I've been shocked with an electric ice cube. It's fear. I'm terribly scared of Mark's reaction.

What if he kicks me out? What if he hits me again, inevitably killing the child? Or worse, what if he forces me to get rid of it?

Questions that worsen each time circle my brain and I have to hold the wall and take deep breaths to calm myself down properly or I'll start to feel dizzy, and then nauseous again. Sick, sick, sick. That's all I am, all day long. At first, I was happy Mark was barely home. Now, I wish to have someone to hold back my hair as I rush to throw up in the morning.

To make matters worse, it isn't just the morning.

I need fresh air. I've been trapped in this house for ages. I'm sick and tired of it and I might as well knock myself out with a brick from one of the walls if I don't leave soon enough.

Mark forbids me from leaving. He's scared of me leaving him again. I've had to promise him over and over that, I won't but now, it's starting to do my head in. The next time he asks, I'm banging my head on the wall till I am comatose.

I manage to get myself off the toilet bowl without falling and into the shower. After a nice few hours spent in it, I step out, dry myself off, moisturise and eventually decide to wear a soft maxi dress. I'm far to lazy to put any effort in and all I plan on doing is taking a quick stroll in the garden.

Walking down the stairs as quick as I can, I finally reach the back door. I swing it open and the rays of the sun hit my face as soon as I walk out. The air around the house is warm and refreshing. It's something I've been unable to appreaciate since I moved here.

I walk further till I reach the barrier where the fence keeps the garden away from the unkept forest ahead. The grass here is bright and a luscious green with an adorable veranda. Maybe Mark was right. Maybe all I need truly is here, with him.

What if he takes it away from me when I tell him the truth?

I take a seat on one of the chairs and switch the fan on. When I first 'killed' Mark, I imagined myself to be a free woman at this point. Doing what I've always dreamed of doing, just how I've wanted to do it. But here I am, with the same, very person who lead me to my own demise from the beginning. It's like one, big loophole that I can't seem to get out of. All I hope is for this pregnancy to get me out of it, somehow both safe, alive and well.

Mark was never like this. At least, to the younger me who thought we were in love. I see now that I'm with a self absorbed narcissist, who cares, of course, only for himself.

Then, there's Taehyung and Jae. The last few people I expected to be doing whatever it is they're doing. It's one thing to kill people, it's another to traffic and exploit them for money. This isn't even drugs or othr contraband. People. Living, breathing humans who deserve the best life possible, 'crippled' or not. It repluses me the most though, how satisfied Jae is with himself after taking Yoongi away from me. That is one thing I'm unsure of forgiving him for. For now, I don't ever want to have to see him again.

Taehyung. The only friend I had growing up. Funnily, the father of my current, unborn child. What do I do with myself? My baby is about to grow up without a father. How do I explain any of this to them? Your dad is a criminal who left me behind because he loves his life more than me? What type of parent would that make me? A horrible one, for sure.

I just wish things could be normal. Why can't I be normal? Why can't life just give me another chance? To start with someone I deserve, who my son deserves? Why can't I just start over.

My thinking is interrupted by a phone call. Unexpectedly, it's from Hoseok.

It's been such a long time. We haven't been texting since the time he came over to paint my old house. Well, until he did what he did, of course. I can't say I care too much about it now, though. And to be fair, I need someone to talk to. Someone who isn't part of this 'crime life'.

Maybe he's the key to my dream of starting over.