Where Secrets Lie (SOW #3)

21.

He ended up sitting with us. Hindi ko na magalaw ang pagkain ko dahil sa kabang nararamdaman. He's also silent and what made it worse is that Yanah is currently in the bathroom which leaves the two of us here in the table.

Gusto kong umalis na dahil hindi ako mapakali. Nandito siya, malapit na naman sa akin. Matagal kong hiniling na sana maging ganito siya kalapit pero ngayon, ayoko na eh. Suko na ako tapos saka naman magiging ganito kalapit?

Hindi na magandang biro.

"Bakit hindi ka kumakain?" His voice reached my ears. I immediately held the spoon tightly, finding my own voice to answer him.

"I'm waiting for Yanah..." mahinang sagot ko bago kinuha ang tubig at uminom. I'm silently praying that Yanah will come out soon. Hindi ko na kinakaya ang bigat ng pakiramdam ko.

"Hindi ka kumakain ng pagkaing may kamatis but why are you eating that?"

What is this, really? Ano ba itong ginagawa niya? One moment, he'll look at me with his eyes full of rage then the next moment, ito. Aakto siyang concerned.

I remained silent and just wished for Yanah to come back now. Bakit ba kailangan pa niyang umalis kung kailang nandito si Jeon?

"H-how are you?"

His voice reached my ears again. Hindi na magkamayaw ang puso ko sa pagtibok. Ayoko nito. Ayokong mapalapit ulit sa kaniya. Ayoko, ngayong alam kong sila na ng pinsan ko. I love Jeoniel, I do. Pero, hindi pwede. Hahayaan ko na siya.

"Y-you left... our house," he stated the obvious but his words caught my attention.

Our.

Our house, he said.

The house where memories of us was made. The house where we picture ourselves living a simple yet happy life as a family. The house where we promised to come back after a long tiring day of work.

I gulped and tried to fight the tears threatening to fall. I've manage to stop myself from crying in front of Jeon. I wish, I can still do that. Sobrang bigat na. Hindi ko na alam.

"Ano naman 'yun sa 'yo?" Laking pasasalamat ko dahil nagawa kong itanong 'yon nang hindi nababasag ang boses ko.

I saw him stopped and an emotion crossed his eyes. Tinitigan ko siya at ganun rin ang ginagawa niya. We locked eyes for a brief second before I looked away and stood up. I can't take this anymore.

I walked out of the restaurant and tried to walk away but an arm stopped me.

"What?!" My voice came loud, startling him. Hindi ako nagpatinag. Nanatiling nakakunot ang noo ko. Sinubukan ko ring alisin ang kamay niya sa braso ko pero hindi niya binibitawan.

"Bumitaw ka, Jeoniel!" Sabi ko pero nanghihina siyang napayuko sabay iling.

"No, g-gusto kitang makausap. I looked for you," sabi niya sa mahinang boses na nagpalakas ng tibok ng puso ko.

But as I've said, ayoko na.

"Bakit pa? Diba galit ka sa akin? Diba ayaw mo na akong makita? Diba pinalaya na kita? Bakit nandito ka? Bakit hinahanap mo pa ako?" Dire-diretsong tanong ko. Nang hindi siya sumagot at nang mapansin kong nakakakuha na kami ng atensyon, mabilis kong tinanggal ang kamay niyang nasa braso ko saka ako tumalikod.

"Lorrie! Teka lang!" He called from behind.

Mas binilisan ko ang paglalakad ko hanggang sa tumakbo na ako. I keep on running and running until I reached my house. I catch my breath and went to sit on the pavement in front of my house. Naramdaman ko ang unti-unting pagkirot ng sentido ko.

Sinulyapan ko ang daan at napahinga nang maluwag ng hindi ko na nakita si Jeon. Kinalma ko ang sarili ko doon ng ilang minuto bago ako tumayo at pumasok sa loob.

Nang makapasok ay napadausdos ako at napasandal sa nakasarang pintuan.

I feel exhausted. I feel drained. I feel empty. Lahat na. Hindi ko na alam ang susunod kong gagawin. Pakiramdam ko, wala nang patutunguhan ang buhay ko. I thought I'm fine now but just seeing him made me cry again.

Bakit ganito kasakit ang magmahal?

Agressive knocks on my door reached my ear. I closed my eyes and covered my ears. There he is, again.

"Lorrie, are you there? Open the door, please!" Jeon's voice is laced with desperation. Nanatili pa rin akong nakapikit at nakayuko.

His sobs are now loud and clear. The knocks are slowly fading. Natigil ako sa pag-iyak dahil sa hagulgol niya na hindi ko mawari kung anong pinanggagalingan. Why is he crying? Why is he hell-bent to talk to me?

"Lorrie, alam ko na..." he whispered which made me froze. "I fucking know everything now!" He shouted and right at that moment, I trembled. My hands and legs started to tremble in fear.

Hindi ko rin mahanap ang boses ko. Narinig ko ang galaw niya bago siya muling kumatok. Wala sa sarili akong gumapang palayo sa pintuan at saktong nagbukas ang pintuan.

Jeoniel's eyes met mine. I remained sitting on the floor while his teary eyes are on me. He slowly walk towards me until his knees dropped.

"I know everything now..." he stated in a trembling voice. Nag-angat siya ng tingin at diretsong tiningnan ang mata ko. "W-why did you do that? Why didn't you tell me?!" He shouted.

My heart shatters in pain seeing him vulnerable. The only question that bugs my mind... how did he know?

"Lorrie, I could have been with you while you fight. I could have hold you while you struggle in pain. I could have taken care of you but all you did is to keep this to me and suffer silently!"

I abruptly stood up despite my legs feeling weak.

"Para saan pa, Jeon?! Para saan pa kung sasabihin ko? Wala ka namang pakealam diba? Hiling mo rin na magdusa ako! Na masaktan ako gaya ng sakit na dinulot ko sayo! 'Yun ang hiling mo kaya bakit andito ka? Bakit umiiyak ka d'yan?! Dapat masaya ka, diba? Ito na, nagdudusa na ako!" My voice broke and tears soaked my face.

Jeon stood up and face me. "You fucking cheated pero, wala akong pakealam! Sana sinabi mo pa rin! Sana ipinaalam mo pa rin!" He shouted.

I scoffed. "Tingin mo ba sasabihin ko pa sayo kung tingnan mo pa lang ako, galit na galit ka na? Niloko kita, diba? 'Yan ang alam mo! Niloko kita!"

He said he knew everything. No, he still didn't know that I did not really cheat on him.

Natahimik siya kaya naglakas loob akong humakabang palapit. With my trembling lips, I flashed him a smile.

"You know everything? No, Jeoniel. Hindi mo pa alam ang lahat," I said before I felt myself getting unconscious.