When We Crossed Paths

Chapter Six: 3 Years Later...

My alarm went off with an annoying buzz. Nothing new there. Except today was my first day of High School. The past three years were a whirlwind. Not interesting enough to bore you with the mundane details. The majority of it was pretty self explanatory of how it went. I mean, I passed my exams to get to High School which is obviously a good thing. Volleyball has become my life. I absolutely love the sport. All that special training with Nishimura really paid off. I ended up playing a big role in the team. At the summer regional championships in my final year, we ended up coming third. Despite that, a couple of schools wanted me to attend their schools to play for their teams. I was absolutely honoured and I never would've got there without Nishimuras help. I chose my local High school as it was my preferred choice. Being closer to home avoids having to commute which saves time. Plus, it was one of the schools that wanted me to come study with them so, it was a win-win. Nishimura chose a different High School. He had to get the train into Kamata to go to school.

And yes, before you ask, I was still friends with Nishimura. In fact, he was my best friend. But...

I felt it was a lie, because...I was in love with him. 3 years before, at that moment, when I realised how I felt...it was turmoil. There was a lot of internal anguish. However, as I start my first day of High School, I accepted who I was. But, the obvious caviat to that was of course, no one knew. There was no way I could tell anyone. It took me too long to gain any social status, to be popular. If they knew, I'd lose all of it. Most of all Nishimura. I'd lose him. I couldn't bare that to happen. Despite being in love with him, I would rather keep my feelings to myself and keep him as my friend than lose him altogether.

We were together a lot. We met early every morning at the crossing. Then, some days on the way home when I didn't have Volleyball practice. We quite often met up at the weekends. Either to have study sessions or just hung out. He became very important to me. I hoped I became important to him as well. I was pretty sure I was, in some form. Of course, not in the same way I felt.

But that was OK...

I was fine with my love being one sided. I happily accepted that. As long as it meant that I wouldn't lose him. I knew it was going to be hard. Maybe even impossible. There were many times I almost couldn't cope. Times where I just wanted to tell him. Just blurt it out. Scream it from the rooftops.

Of course I didn't do that. I couldn't.

My feelings had three years to simmer. Every so often it would bubble, close to boiling. I often found myself crying in my bed at night. I was absolutely terrified of the day he would tell me he had a girlfriend. I honestly believed that I would physically die if he told me that. He was a very handsome guy, beautiful in fact. Very smart, athletic, kind, and absolutely wonderful. He could get any girl he wanted? And what girl wouldn't want him?

But, obviously, I didn't want him to want any girl or for any girl to want him. I wanted him! I wanted him to want me! I wanted him to...

I wished that he loved me. That's all I wanted. I wanted him to love me.

I remember...those nights, crying in my bed. The same thing over and over:

"I wish that he loved me. Why doesn't he love me? Why am I not good enough?"

It's still upsetting thinking about it.

Of course, he didn't know any of this. He never knew I was crying in my bed. He never knew how I felt when we hung out together. He'd leave me. He'd hate me. It'd be all over for me.

Being in love is not as beautiful a thing as people make it out to be. It's only beautiful when both sides feel the same way.

When it's one sided...it's cruel, lonely and soul destroying...

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I walked my usual walk. As if I hadn't been crying the night before. As if I wasn't yearning for my best friend to love me the same way I loved him. I had to pretend. Pretend that I wasn't dying inside. Pretend that I wasn't in immense pain. I had to be happy and cheery. That's the only side of me I wanted him to see.

But...everytime I saw him. My heart just melted and I was reminded of how I felt and the pain that brought.

"Yo! Yamashita! Good morning!" Nishimura shouted from the distance. Waving his hand excitedly in the air.

"Morning Nishimura!" I replied.

I still couldn't get over how handsome he was. His smile brighter than the moon. His sapphire eyes shining like stars. How could this one person have so much beauty? How could this boy become my whole universe so quickly?

I could've seriously just fallen over and cried right there. I really wished that I could hold his hand, hug him, maybe even kiss him but...of course that was out of the question.

"You OK?" He asked.

"Yeah...yeah, I'm fine!" I hesitated.

He looked at me with an expression of slight confusion as well as concern.

"Are you sure? Your eyes look at bit red. Have you not been sleeping?" He quizzed.

I couldn't believe it. I hadn't noticed my eyes were red. I obviously couldn't tell him that it was from crying.

"I...I...didnt sleep well last night!" Which was an obvious lie.

"Hmm...that's not good. It'll be because you're staying up late. You shouldn't be doing that!" He lectured while poking me in the forehead.

"Yes mum!" I jibed.

He just laughed. He had a wonderful laugh. I couldn't help but smile.

Why couldn't he be mine?